attempting grace

The Merging of Two Worlds

2009-10-19T20:35:00.004-05:00

This weekend I came back from college for the first time. It was nice to be home, but it was peculiar.

In Chicago, I have my roots. I have my family, my home, my church, my theatre, two schools, grammar school friends, high school friends, theatre friends...

In St. Louis I have my second home, my dorm, the family of friends that I have formed on my own, my school, communication devices such as my computer and cell phone to keep in touch with my family and friends in Chicago...

In Chicago I have my mom, my dad, Tom, Chris, Andrea, Amy, Veronica, Jonathan, Amanda, Mrs. Tardi, Jeremy, Mrs. Meade, Mrs. McGovern, Clare, Natalia, Alexis, John, Kate, Uncle Marty, Aunt Karen, Grandpa, Ms. Schneider, Katie, Genevieve... and so many more.

In St. Louis I have Hannah, Victoria, Natalie, Kelsey, Kenneth, Clare, Jared, RJ, Molls, Jessica, Samiksha, Shim, Matt... and I am sure there are more that I am not thinking of right now.

In Chicago I have a beautiful room that I designed myself.

In St. Louis I have a little white walled room that I share with two other people.

In Chicago I have privacy, the most beautiful town and city in the world, and I have music.

In St. Louis I have independence, a recreation center, and lots of free activities.

It's weird to realize what and who you miss. I miss my bed in Chicago, but I miss RJ walking, excuse me, falling, down the hallways singing at random hours. I miss study sessions at school, and I miss vegging out at home. I miss living in a house. I miss the people I spend ungodly hours of the day with at choir and harlequins rehearsal. I miss music. I saw Ben Folds in St. Louis, though. I miss my comforter from home. I miss Noly Poly and my Harry Potter blanket that I left at school. I miss feeling completely safe like I did when I was little. I miss the fall colors of Riverside. I miss my mom and my dad and all my friends here. I also miss all my friends in St. Louis. It's so weird... it's so weird.

It's so strange because I love them both and I wish that I could bring them both together to make an even more amazing life than the one I have now, but if I were miraculously able to bring them together then I would somehow ruin the beauty of the individual, separate sides of my life have.

This all being said, I have yet to introduce my lovely new friends, so here they are...

Hannah, Victoria, Natalie

These girls are making my college experience what it is supposed to be =]

I love you all and hopefully I will continue blogging again,

Hilary

College!

2009-08-21T08:44:00.002-05:00

So I'm all moved into school. Last night we had square dancing on the top of the parking garage! It was awkward but fun! I'm glad that I already know some people here so that I can meet new friends through them. My camera is broken so I can't take a picture of my wonderful dorm space, but hopefully that problem will get solved soon. Rawrrrrrrrrrr
Love,
Hilary

whether insane or not...

2009-06-18T20:44:00.003-05:00

"God doesnt give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you into the person that you were meant to be."

2009-05-03T22:28:00.003-05:00

Rory: I'm having one of those moments right now.

Dean: What moments?

Rory: One of those moments that everything is so perfect and so wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again.

Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling that everything is so wonderful and the world is so beautiful and life is such a blessing and you feel like crying because you know it won't last forever and you wish that it could because you feel so happy? I often get that feeling, when I have a moment of grace with my friends or when I am driving home late at night, or when I am walking to church on Sunday mornings in the spring when the lilacs are blooming and the tulips have blossomed. It's a sad, but good feeling. At least there is something to miss when it goes away, right?

So Much Better

2009-04-22T16:51:00.001-05:00

You have to take it for what it is, considering that it's Legally Blonde the Musical, but I love this song.

On this lovely day...

2009-04-21T18:18:00.003-05:00

"Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know it so it goes flying anyway."

-Mary Kay Ash

Reasons to be Happy

2009-04-19T17:35:00.002-05:00

I know where I'm going to college
I found my beautiful prom dress
Audrey Hepburn is marvelous in Breakfast at Tiffany's
Breakfast at Tiffany's is a wonderful novella
20 days of school left
my science project outline is not due till the end of the week
Brunch with Mom, Tom, Grandpa, Aunt Karen, Uncle Steve, Sandra, and Sister Marge was lovely today
my room is clean
pandora is an awesome website
I'm starting running again tomorrow
I get to see Amy tomorrow!
In 20 days there are some people that I will never have to see again
my blog is beautiful
my room is clean
I'm getting along with my family
I will be back in choir tomorrow, so I can sing and relieve whatever little stress I still have
I'm going now so I can finish my religion homework by 8!

Supense

2009-04-16T23:19:00.002-05:00

So I just started listening to this old time radio show called Suspense after my friend Pat told me about it a few months ago. It's a free podcast on iTunes and I'm kind of obsessed. I didn't think I would like it at first and it wasn't until I had some free time this past week on break that I started actually listening to it because if I'm reading something or get distracted on the computer while it is playing I don't pay attention to the story and completely miss what happened. Hopefully hearing it on the radio and having to picture it on my own will improve my listening skills. It's actually really cool and I highly recommend checking it out. It's free so that's definitely a plus!
xoxograce

"God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars"-Elbert Hubbard

2009-04-16T10:22:00.002-05:00

There’s a scar by my left eyebrow from chicken pox.
There are scars on my elbows from falling off the swing.
There’s a scar on the inside of my right knee from when I fell off my bike.
There’s a scar on the back of my right ankle from shaving.
There’s a scar on my right ankle from a blister I got ice skating.
There’s a scar on the back of my left calf from when my lamp fell on me.
There’s a scar on the back of my right thigh from shaving.
There are scars on my chin and above my eyebrows from acne.
There are scars all over my feet from shoes and from running.
There’s a scar on the side of my middle finger on my right hand from when I mysteriously cut myself somehow.

We all have scars. Scars are marks of life. They show that we haven’t spent all our days inside our rooms sitting on our beds, hiding from the world. They show our braveness, our foolishness, our helplessness. They are imperfections that move us closer to perfection. If we spent all our time inside, away from life, we wouldn’t be living a full, well-rounded life and we’d be moving further from perfection then we would be if we were actually trying. Scars when looked at as a part of something bigger are beautiful. They are a scrapbook of our lives, a roadmap that only shows where we’ve been but can’t tell us where we’re going. Scars are life.

Heyy

2009-04-13T17:22:00.001-05:00

I think it is extremely important to address people by their names.

Yeah, I walk down the hallway and say “hey girl” and “what’s up lady,” but if I’m in a conversation with someone, I make sure to call them by their name. I do love terms of endearment. I come up with new ones all the time, but sometimes you just need to hear your name. You need to make sure that the person talking to you actually does know it.

Thinking about it, I don’t think a lot of my friends actually do address me by my name in normal conversation. I do it all the time. Usually if one of my friend’s addresses me, they call me “Hil” which is completely fine. I don’t need the full name. I just need to know that I’m not a general person that they decided to talk to. I do like being called Hil actually. It makes me feel as though people are comfortable with me. I don’t know why, but I really like when people say my name. It’s MY NAME. But I like hearing how other people say it.

Love.

Happy Easter Bunny!

2009-04-12T12:48:00.002-05:00

Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia!

We went to Mass this morning, then came home and found our Easter baskets, then ate breakfast and now we are preparing for our Easter celebration. I hope everyone has a blessed and happy Easter!

love, grace

Desiderata by Max Erhmann

2009-04-12T03:23:00.002-05:00

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant,

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Here in your arms...

2009-04-12T00:51:00.006-05:00

Hellogoodbye is playing right now.
It's 12:51 Easter morning.
Jesus rose from the dead.

I am so happy.
I think I'm legit happy, too. I don't think it's from the vicodin.

I'm cleaning my room.
I have so many good friends.
I have so many memories.
I have a bright future.
I have so many treasures.
I feel adorable.
I feel so happy.
I am lovable, loving, and loved.

I have pictures, letters, trinkets, clothing, posters, brainwaves to prove all of these claims.
I have letters that people have written to me from over the years... telling me how much they love me and how much I mean to them. I have boxes and boxes of memories. I have a beautiful room. I have a beautiful family. I have beautiful friends. And my family and friends are, most importantly, beautiful on the inside, which is what I strive to be as well. I have music playing. I am able to hear it. I have Noly Poly Rabbit Tail laying on my bed. I have a "graffiti wall" from my 1950's party folded on my bed right now, filled with loving comments and inside jokes. Hahahah I have painkillers on my bedside table hahahha. I swear to God I'm just happy even though I'm sure it's going to be hard to believe considering the vicodin sitting next to me. This is more of a post for me than it is for anyone else. I guess all my posts are mostly for me. It's not for anyone else. It's all just for me, to improve my writing, improve myself, reflect on my life. It's just easiest to do it all in a blog format. Guess what?? I've been single for 3 months and I love it. Heeeeee!!!! The only person I am accountable to is myself. It's a great feeling. I know how to fix my own problems. I'm intelligent. Wow, this is an optimistic blog beyond belief. I know this probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but myself. Hahaahaha Britney Spears is playing right now... Oops... I did it again. I'm listening to the CD Tracy made me for my 16th birthday. I HAVE MIX CDs SHOWING HOW MANY PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME!!! HEEE!!! I love day lilies. They are so beautiful. I have a picture of one on my wall. It's gorgeous. Day lilies are my favorite flower. I can't wait until they bloom on my lawn. Ahhh, it's going to be warm outisde soon! I got the most adorable Easter outfit from Forever 21 today. I know a lot of people think Forever 21 is overrated but I absolutely adore it. I love The Sound of Music. I used to want to become a nun because I wanted to be like Maria von Trapp. Hahhaha. I could never be a nun. Even though I feel like I have a duty to become one because of the lack of religious in the world. This is morning... it's when I spend the most time thinking about what I've given up... Jack's Mannequin is now playing. White Sox won!!! My aunt Debbie, my aunt Stefanie, Tom, and I all ate a whole plate of brownies today at my cousin Pat's 21st birthday party... it was so good. Tonight I was finally able to eat some food. Thursday all I could eat after I got my wisdom teeth out was half of a milkshake and yesterday I just ate some mac 'n' cheese, apple sauce, and some ravioli a little later. I ate a lot for dinner today, so that was good. I'm naturally blonde!!!! I've never color treated my hair! I am so lucky!!! Ahhh I am so grateful for everything! St. Thomas Aquinas is the shit! I love him! Ohhh I babysat for a half hour today! I played with Baby Dan down the street and Timmer stayed inside and played computer games while Dan and I played games outside... and he rode around in his firetruck too! It was so fun! I have a stuffed animal named Murphy the Monkey... I am so blessed. Ahhh and I have my family coming over for Easter! I'm so excited! Hopefully I will be bright eyed and bushytailed tomorrow so I can enjoy their company. I feel at peace right now. Two years... is way too long to be holding on to something. I love quincy. He's adorable. Audrey Hepburn is so gorgeous. I am able to read! I am so lucky! And I enjoy reading enough to do it for fun! I wasn't able to watch PG-13 movies until after sophomore year... so I have so many movies to catch up on... but that means I have a myriad of movies to watch! I have so many things to do in my life! I started this blog! I have a reading audience! I HAVE BEEN ON STAGE AS A LEAD IN SEVERAL SHOWS AND PEOPLE HAVE LOVED IT AS MUCH AS I HAVE! I'M FLIPPING USING EXCLAMATION POINTS AND NORMALLY I HATE USING THEM BECAUSE I THINK THEY OVEREXAGGERATE...!!!!!! Okay this blogpost is complete stream of conciousness. Hey, I made it. I'm the world's greatest. I love that song. I love you. I love me. I love everyone. Wheeee!

Love, love, love, forever and ever,
Grace

Paint Splatters and Writing on the Walls...

2009-04-10T23:49:00.004-05:00

My dad doesn't like my room.

I painted it two summers ago--it's green with blue trim. Being neither an artist nor a perfectionist, I didn't work very hard to remove any smudges or drips of paint... there's blue where it should only be green, there's green where there should be white... there are quotes written in permanent marker where it should only be plain green... i don't know if anyone has seen my little corner of quotes. I have a lot written there. I love it. I think it's beautiful.

My room has character. No one else's room will have the same paint splashes, the same pictures on the walls, the same quotes in permanent marker. No one else will have the same stuffed animals I have, the same piggy bank I have, the same mirror I have. No one else will have the same memories I have, the same poems that I have, the same paintings that I have. It's unique. It has character. No one else can ever have this room exactly the way I have it. I love it like this.

My One and Only Vice

2009-04-10T09:59:00.003-05:00

So normally for Lent, I give up a myriad of items and activities and come up with a huge list of goals for myself, but this Lent, I just came up with three: 1. Give up diet pepsi. 2. run at least 3 times a week. 3. do something nice for someone every day. Well, the only one I can say I stuck to is giving up diet pepsi. Actually, I got better towards the end of Lent with running, but then I got sick and I just got my wisdom teeth out, so now I've put a hold on my running. And I'm sure I've done one nice thing for someone every day during Lent, even if I wasn't thinking about it while I was doing it. But diet pepsi is my one and only vice and on Sunday I can have it. Well, that is if I can actually eat anything on Sunday because I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday and haven't eaten anything since Wednesday night. Last night was my favorite day of Lent, actually probably of the whole church season, but I didn't go to Mass or visit churches because I was high off the anesthesia and the vicodin... But anyway, hopefully it will all be good soon. Maybe I'll be able to eat something today =] Haha. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with carbonation by Sunday though, which would make me so sad because I LOVE DIET PEPSI. I've had cravings all Lent, but thankfully right now I'm not craving anything... It's really weird not wanting to eat anything... really weird and unusual for me... anyway I've already lost weight from having my wisdom teeth out haha so I guess that's good.

love,
grace

A Beautiful Mess

2009-04-09T19:21:00.002-05:00

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
oh oh oh oh

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something good to happen to her
from time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
they invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarel rivers
but don't you run away already
please don't go oh oh

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how an you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
Take a deep breath and dive
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?

There's a beautiful mess
beautiful mess inside
Oh beautiful, beautiful

Far far there's this little girl
she was praying for something big to happen to her
every night she hears beautiful strange music
it's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
but if it fades she begs"oh lord don't take it from me, don't take it
"She says, "I guess i'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere
Just look at yourself nowdeep inside
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess insidebeautiful mess inside

Far far by Yael Naim

Ahhh!!!

2009-04-08T19:03:00.000-05:00

http://www.savethewords.org/

I love it.

He's quite the charmer...

2009-04-08T06:42:00.002-05:00

Dick Van Dyke is so neglected. He's so handsome, witty, talented, and he has a classic charm. Ahhhh I love him! Haha I was just watching him as Albert Peterson in Bye Bye, Birdie so that spurred on my need to post his beautiful face on my blog =]

love,
grace

It's all the rage in classrooms...

2009-04-08T06:33:00.003-05:00

When I started my Chemistry of Life class this semester, two girls at my table would always be doing Sudokus. One day this girl, Kelli, asked me if I wanted one and I said sure. I didn't know how to play. I knew the number nine was important and that the boxes, rows, and columns all mattered, but I didn't have a clue what I was doing. So I asked my friend Becky and she showed me what to do. I became OBSESSED. After I finished my first game there was no stopping me. Now, I have a little Sudoku pack that I carry with me everywhere I go. And I'm not the only one. At any given time, if I look around my classroom, there will be AT LEAST two other people playing Sudoku. It's addicting. Granted I'm not the best or the fastest Sudoku player. I race against my friend Tom in Chem of Life all the time and he always wins, but I'm getting there. It's so much fun, it's a challenge, and it's better than texting or just plain not paying attention in class because it does have your mind going.

Hilary & Tom

2009-04-06T21:41:00.003-05:00

Tom and I are 14 months apart... exactly. My birthday is December 8, 1990, his is February 8, 1992. So, except for the first year and two months of my life, Tommy has always been around.

I guess we're lucky. We get along extremely well. We hug, we hang out, we'll laugh together, make fun of our family and friends, make fun of ourselves, tell each other secrets, keep each other's secrets, dance...

"Someday, you guys are going to be best friends," our parents would always say. I never believed them. But in a way I guess it's true. Tom doesn't know everything, but he knows a lot, and I do consider him to be one of my best friends.

One good thing about having your brother as your best friends is that even if you fight, you know it will be fine. I don't think Tom and I ever apologize to each other anymore. We'll be mad at each other for a little while and then we just know that it's alright and we can move on. We have an understanding. That's a luxury I do not have with my other friends. Often times, I'd much rather move on and forget about it... whether I am on the accepting or the giving side of the apology.

So I'm Tom's only sister. Whenever I tried to find out who he liked he wouldn't tell me. So I guess in my mind, girlwise in Tom's life, it was me and my mom. I guess that's why it was weird for me to see him with his date at Junior Prom this weekend.

I'm not always going to be the girl that Tom comes to for advice. I'm not always going to be the girl that he talks to when he's frustrated, jokes around with, laughs with, fights with. Someday he's going to find another girl to do all that with and I'll just be his big sister. It feels really strange for me, really sad. It feels like the end of an era.

I'm leaving next year, and while I'm worried that it might tear us apart, I can only hope and pray that the physical distance brings us closer together. I am truly blessed to have such a great brother. I always get comments like, "Wow, you and your brother get along so well--I wish I was that close to my brother," or "You guys have a really strange relationship. I don't ever talk to my brother." I think it's sad that siblings don't get along and I'm so glad that I landed in the family I'm in. I don't know where I would be without Tom. He's there for me through thick and thin and he doesn't ever betray me. Well, he might make fun of me in front of my friends, but usually he's pretty good about being nice to me =]

2009-04-04T05:52:00.002-05:00

It's gotta be that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, world-series kind of stuff.

Running...

2009-03-28T09:35:00.001-05:00

You know how you don't always know how much something means to you until it's gone? Well, I think that sometimes you don't realize how much you missed something until it is back.

I was on Cross Country for two years and Track & Field for one. [I hated track, I just had to mention that to show how much running had been a part of my life.] Yes, I missed Cross Country this fall--the early Saturday mornings, pasta parties, bagels, Mulan, gatorade... but I didn't realize how much I'd missed actually running until this week.

Saturday I started running again on my own. Then Sunday Amy and I ran together. Amy and I ran together four times this week. Ahhh I love it! I feel so much better now that I have the energy going, the good hormones flowing! We ran to Greektown yesterday and it reminded me of the 2nd run I ever did on one of our XC runs. I remember that day was in the late summer, it was Alec, Coach Morgan, and me, and I was sooo slow and it was sooo hot and I had to go around all the people walking down the streets of Greektown. But I felt so good ABOUT myself, because I was doing something good FOR myself.

Ahhh I'm so glad I'm running again, and I'm so glad I have a running partner!! YAY!!!

Love, Grace

"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle-when the sun comes up...you''d better be running."

One Flew East, One Flew West...

2009-03-24T22:13:00.002-05:00

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

So today I finished Ken Kesey's classic American novel, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. This tells the story of R.P. McMurphy, a sane man in a mental institution in Oregon, through the eyes of one of the patients in his ward. This novel, written from the knowledge that Kesey gained from working the night shift of a mental hospital, is extremely gripping and articulate. McMurphy is a hero, a Christ-figure. I was extremely displeased by the ending of this book, but it was necessary for the book to have any meaning. I could go on and on about how upset I am about the way this book ended, but that would spoil all the details for those who have yet to read it, like my friend Clarence. Anyway, I just wanted to post some of my frustration and admiration on my page.

Love,

Grace

10 Things I Hate About You

2009-03-15T16:44:00.005-05:00

The Taming of the Shrew and anything based off it will always hold a place in my heart.

Last year in Brit Lit we read The Taming of the Shrew in class and then watched two movie versions of it. This past fall I was in Kiss Me, Kate, a musical based off this Shakespeare play. Two nights ago, my friend and I watched 10 Things I Hate About You, a film also based on The Taming of the Shrew. Throughout the movie there are numerous Shrew references. This film, starring Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles is now my favorite movie.

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick-it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even more when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didn't call.
But most of all I hate the way I don't hate you-not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Snackers

2009-03-12T22:00:00.002-05:00

I'm a snacker.
You probably are too.

Do you have to be eating something all day?
I know so many people who always have to be chomping on something... it just feels better when you have something to do. It's a distraction.

I sometimes eat in the morning.
I eat on the phone.
I eat while walking.
I eat while sitting.
I eat while talking.
I eat dinner.
Sometimes I eat lunch.
But I'm always eating.
I always need something to snack on.

Snackers.

I Know Things Now

2009-03-11T20:39:00.002-05:00

Here's a song from my favorite musical-- Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim
This song is sung by Little Red Riding Hood after she escapes from the wolf.

Eww...

2009-03-09T19:54:00.002-05:00

So I just found something that I didn't even think was possible.

I just found a work that I wrote, published online on teenink.com. I had to try to get my work published for my final in Creative Writing. It was my worst piece of the whole semester and I can't believe it was published. That really disgusts me. Eww.

I feel the need to blog...

2009-03-02T04:36:00.005-06:00

I don't know what about exactly. I just need to write. It's 4:36 A.M. in Chicago on March 2, 2009. It's Dr. Seuss' birthday. It's my friend's birthday as well. He's 18 today. It's a big day. Today is a year since I got my class ring. Today is also a year since Jonathan and I officially decided to go to Junior Prom together. I'm hungry. I'm going to eat the leftovers from my breakfast yesterday... it was sooo good =] Today my room is cleaner than it was yesterday. Today I'm almost finished with my homework. Today I'm still impressed with something I read yesterday. Today I still have the $20 I made waitressing on Saturday. Today I wish I was a better person, but I know that I am doing well, working towards that goal. Today I know that I am a forgiving person. And I love that about myself. Today I think I'm beautiful, that the world is beautiful, that God is beautiful, and that God made everything beautiful for a reason. Last night, I did what Bing said to do in White Christmas: "When I'm worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I fall asleep counting my blessings." I have sooooooooooooo MANY FLIPPING BLESSINGS. THANK YOU GOD.
Love,
Grace

Lenten Goals

2009-02-23T20:28:00.003-06:00

There are three things I want to do for Lent. I know it doesn't start until Wednesday, but I just wanted to throw out my goals.
1. I'm giving up Diet Coke. And all pop for that matter, but I only drink Diet Coke anyway.
2. I am going to either run or bike at least two miles three times a week.
3. I am going to be more aware. Aware of what is going on in my life, in the lives of others, in the world. And I am going to go out of my way at least once each day to do something nice for someone else.

Love,
Grace

Forgiveness is beautiful

2009-02-21T05:16:00.003-06:00

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
-Catherine Ponder

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
-Robert Muller

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”
-Sara Paddison

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.”
-Henry Ward Beecher

2009-02-16T11:20:00.002-06:00

I am a writer. And I'm back from Kairos. So what am I going to do now? I'm going to do some editing. I need to edit my life.

Kairos

2009-02-11T19:01:00.004-06:00

So, tomorrow after school I will be leaving on Kairos, which is a Christian student-lead retreat. There is a lot of mystery behind this retreat... I don't know. My expectations aren't very high, I don't think this retreat will be as "life changing" as it is said to be, but I hope I am wrong. I'm extremely skeptical right now. The only reason I am remotely excited about this retreat is because I get to miss school on Friday. I'm really not in the mood for people to pretend that they're deep, say one thing on retreat, and then act another way once we get back to school. Oh well, we'll see. I have been wanting to go on this retreat since 7th grade when my cousin Kate went on and led Kairos. When I was looking for a high school, I made sure they had this retreat... So I know when I get back I won't be able to share any details-- you know, the naked midnight runs, the no showering for four days, the starvation, all the Kairos cult details-- but hopefully I will have something insightful to say. Pray for me.
Love,
Grace

"Halley's Comet"

2009-02-10T20:30:00.005-06:00

"Halley's Comet"
Stanley Kunitz

Miss Murphy in first grade
wrote its name in chalk
across the board and told us
it was roaring down the stormtracks
of the Milky Way at frightful speed
and if it wandered off its course
and smashed into the earth
there'd be no school tomorrow.
A red-bearded preacher from the hills
with a wild look in his eyes
stood in the public square
at the playground's edge
proclaiming he was sent by God
to save every one of us,
even the little children.
"Repent, ye sinners!" he shouted,
waving his hand-lettered sign.
At supper I felt sad to think
that it was probably
the last meal I'd share
with my mother and my sisters;
but I felt excited too
and scarcely touched my plate.
So mother scolded me
and sent me early to my room.
The whole family's asleep
except for me. They never heard me steal
into the stairwell hall and climb
the ladder to the fresh night air.

Look for me, Father, on the roof
of the red brick building
at the foot of Green Street --
that's where we live, you know, on the top floor.
I'm the boy in the white flannel gown
sprawled on this coarse gravel bed
searching the starry sky,
waiting for the world to end.

I was at Marquette for a scholarship test on Saturday. I was testing for English, and I had to analyze this poem. After reading the poem, can anyone say what they think the deeper subject is? I think I answered it correctly on the test, but I want to hear other people's answers.

Love, grace

Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie

2009-02-08T14:29:00.003-06:00

If I had to say what comes to mind when I think of winter Sundays...

Mass at St. Mary's, breakfast at PJ Klem's, coming home, Dad making a fire and turning on the polka station, then reading the newspaper while the kids do their homework and Mom does whatever needs to be done.

Lately, I've been asking my dad to polka with me. I sometimes wish I had grown up in a more cultured environment. I wish I could speak Polish and knew more Polish traditions, but at least I know how to Polka.

This is my favorite polka... it's called Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie. I can't find it by my favorite band... Eddie Blazonczyk and the Versatones, but here is the song. I remember on my 16th birthday, when all my friends were over, my dad blasted this song through the house when it was time to come up and have the brownie-cake my mom made for me (because I don't like real cake.) Haha, it was kind of embarrassing, but I'm glad that I have a favorite polka song. It makes me feel more Polish haha.

Jerusalem Cafe

2009-02-08T14:10:00.004-06:00

I thought it was necessary to post these pictures from the Jerusalem Cafe side by side.

Love,

Grace

I ADORE my life

2009-02-04T21:44:00.002-06:00

Hey, blogger family.
Well, for a few weeks, I had not been up to my usual standard. I was really confused by a lot of things and when one seemingly bad thing happened it just made everything else that I had been holding in-- all my insecurities, uncertainties about the future, and other problems I didn't want to have to deal with-- come out. It was a really weird feeling. It was like nothing was going to get better. I was really messed up. It was scaring my friends and it scared me. I would walk around in a daze and people would ask me what was wrong and I would tell them that nothing was wrong because I knew they didn't really want to know. It worried me because I didn't realize that I looked sad all the time. I mean, I know I wear my emotions on my shoulders, but I didn't know that I looked genuinely upset all the time. It's weird to know that my friends were really worried about me... sometimes things don't seem as real or as big a deal until you see other people's response to them. All I have to say is that when things go south, you find out who your real friends are. You find out who is going to stick with you when you stop acting like yourself and who is going to stand by you not matter what happens. I already knew my girls were there for me, but honestly, I was acting so terribly to them and to everyone else around me that I wouldn't have been surprised if they'd left. It scares me how mean of a person I was for those two weeks. It frightens me that I can let my problems get in the way of my relationships. I've learned from this experience and I hope I've learned how to better control my emotions and my actions.

Moving on to the present. I am filled with glee. I'm sincerely full of bliss. I adore my life, my friends, my family, my activities, my new haircut, my new exercise routine... Things haven't been this good for a long time. I'm liking myself again... I liked myself during the summer, but I stopped for a while... and now I like myself again. I mean, honestly I wouldn't be able to like my friends as much as I do if I didn't like myself.

One of the saddest parts of the last two weeks: my laugh sounded hollow. I forced myself to laugh and even when things were funny, my laugh sounded strangely sad, hollow. It really worried me. I missed my laugh. I missed myself. Yesterday was the first day that my laugh sounded normal again. It was a beautiful, precious sound. Today I went with Andrea and Veronica to see some of my friends in a one act play, and I laughed a lot. Haha, in fact, I was pretty much the main laugher... and it was genuine laughter. After the show the director said, "Thank God Hilary came." Haha, people kept commenting on my laugh. Then my friend Kevin said, "Hilary, you know how there's the phrase 'one man army'? Well, you're like a one woman audience." I didn't really know how to respond to that but he said that was a good thing =] All I know is that I'm extremely glad to be back where I used to be, hopefully more experienced and improved.

Have a wonderful Wednesday.
Love,
Hilary

Music Revival

2009-01-31T04:01:00.002-06:00

I remember being at my cousin Kate's house a few years ago, I think it was on New Year's day, and she was burning some CD's for my cousin Em and me. They were talking about how music has gone through a great revival ever since the iPod came out. Ever since, the idea of a music revival has seemed enchanting.

I'm a music person but not as much as one might expect considering my musical background. Honestly I'm lazy and don't have the money to spend on music. I have found most of my favorite artists from the CDs that my friend Tracy makes me. Right now, my favorite artist is Ben Folds. His music is so calming, so relaxing, so sad, but so peaceful. He's always been in my top artists but as of now he is my number one. He is a genius on the piano and I am in love with his music. It's so precious, so from the soul, so deep, so heavy. So beautiful. I just wanted to share him with you... his videos are disabled from embedding, but look him up on youtube or myspace =]

love,

hilary

2009-01-28T06:37:00.003-06:00

"Not everyone has a sob story... even if they do it's no excuse."
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Revenge is the Saddest Thing

2009-01-26T18:34:00.005-06:00

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seek to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Throgh violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive our darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
-Marting Luther King, Jr.

I was sitting in my Statistics class today and I saw this quote up on the wall. I don't know who put it there or when it was tacked up, but it struck me when I read it. I think a lot of times people tend to think as something physical, but it definitely can be something more than that. Violence stems from hatred. And hatred stems form violence. It seems as though it is a neverending circle. But it doesn't have to be. You know the song "Let Peace Begin with Me." I'm sure you do. If everyone just started promoting peace in their personal lives, bigger conflicts could be solved. If people would drop their hatred and their prejudices the world woule be an amazing place.

I'm not saying that it's easy to just go ahead and drop your hatred, but once you do, you feel so much better. When I have hatred in me, it weighs me down. It makes it hard for me to go on with the rest of my life because this nasty feeling inside of me distracts me from anything else. I honestly hate seeing people suffer. When I am upset with someone, I might think violent thoughts or wish bad things upon them, but if anything actually happened to him or her, I would be devastated. I cannot stand seeing others in pain. I'm an extremely empathetic person and it is really difficult for me many times because I see the pain that others are going through and I feel the same pain. I don't understand how people can get pleasure from the misery of others. Hanging onto something for revenge or for punishment just ends up hurting me more in the end.

It's still January. Resolutions can be made now, they can be made at any time of the year. Let go of hatred. Let go of bitterness. Let go of revenge. We have a new year and a new president, and with government funding of abortion we need as much peace as we can get.

I love you.
Hilary

Over In Killarney

2009-01-25T09:45:00.002-06:00

An Irish Lullaby
TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RA

Over in Killarney,
Many years ago,
Me mother sang a song to me
In tones so sweet and low.
Just a simple little ditty,
In her good old Irish way,
And I'd give the world if she could sing
That song to me this day.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Hush, now don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
That's an Irish lullaby.
Oft, in dreams I wander
To my home again,
I feel her arms around me
As when she held me then.
And I hear her voice a humin'
To me in days of yore,
When she used to rock me fast asleep
Outside the cabin door.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Hush, now don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
That's an Irish lullaby.

This website has the lyrics and the song playing in the background:
http://www.songofdixie.com/over_in_killarney.htm

My mom used to sing this song to me when I was little. She never knew all the words, because that's just how she is =], but I remember her singing it to me. In an extremely Americanized household, I hold dear to myself the traditions and culture I do have from Ireland and Poland.

love,
hilary/grace

The Curse of the Internet

2009-01-25T00:29:00.003-06:00

Okay, so I just thought I'd throw this out there that sometimes I hate the fact that anyone can read my blog. Yes, of course I want people to read what I write--that is the reason i blog, after all-- but I hate when I can't post something because of its content. That's the big bad difference between blogging and journaling. It's not even the fact that someone might be reading my blog as much as it is that someone specific might be reading it whose eyes wouldn't even appreciate the time it takes me to write these posts. It's really just that I wish I could modify who can read specific posts and such because sometimes I need to get everything out onto the page but I can't because of this modern inconvenience known as the world wide web.
-grace(hilary)

From Stephen King's On Writing

2009-01-24T12:37:00.002-06:00

"One day in late June of that summer, a bunch of us library guys had lunch on the grass behind the university bookstore. Sitting between Paolo Silva and Eddie Marsh was a trim girl with a raucous laugh, red-tinted hair, and the prettiest legs I had ever seen, well-displayed beneath a short yellow skirt. She was carrying a copy of Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver. I hadn't run across her in the library, and I didn't believe a college student could utter such a wonderful, unafraid laugh. Also, heavy reading or no heavy reading, she swore like a millworker instead of a coed. (Having been a millworker, I was qualified to judge.) Her name was Tabitha Spruce. We got married a year and a half later. We're still married, and she has never let me forget that the first time I met her I though she was Eddie Marsh's townie girlfriend. Maybe a book-reading waitress from the local pizza joint on her afternoon off."

This is by no means my favorite passage in his book, seeing as Stephen King is flipping hilarious, but it caught my attention when he mentioned Tabitha's "raucous laugh." My own laugh is... to put it nicely... unique. It's loud and uncontrolled, uncontrollable. It definitely has caused me some embarrassment, but honestly, I love to laugh. It de-stresses me. Laughing and diet coke are my only vices. I have people come up to me in the hallway asking me if I was laughing in class... oopsssssss =] In the end though, I do like my laugh, it makes me who I am and allows me to have fun. It even gives me conversation starters and something to write about. "I love to laugh hahahaha, loud and long and clear! I love to laugh hahahaha, so everybody can hear. The more I laugh hahahaha, the more I'm filled with glee. The more the glee hahahaha, the more I'm a merrier me!" Mary Poppins anyone?

love,
hilary/grace

An Unsung Hero

2009-01-24T00:51:00.002-06:00

I'm currently taking a Hero in American Literature course. Today we were discussing how there are many times when people have similar qualities and are both heroes, but one might be a public hero while the other is a local hero. Today, I was checking through the blogs I read and I found a post from a woman named Stephanie. I have been reading her blog since late June/early July when I first started compulsively blogging. I think this post in particular depicts her as a true hero. Stephanie is currently raising two beautiful daughters while her husband, Jim, is in Afghanistan. It's many times the unsung heroes that are the strongest people.
love,
hilary/grace

Marie Antoinette

2009-01-24T00:33:00.003-06:00

I have always been fascinated by Marie Antoinette. Last year when I took a course in European history and was able to choose my research topic, I wrote a paper about Marie Antoinette and gave a more balanced view of the controversial queen. Much of my information came from Tea at Trianon. Isn't she gorgeous?

love,
hilary/grace

So Much Love

2009-01-22T22:03:00.004-06:00

You got so much love in you
You got so much love in you
I'm amazed that I'm talking to you
You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true
-The Rocket Summer

Uninhibited Hilary

2009-01-22T20:45:00.005-06:00

Okay. I realized why I'm so addicted to blogging. I've been on a quest since idontknowwhen. A quest to find myself. Sitting there at the computer, reading my blog, can you honestly say that you know who you are? I keep trying to answer questions. I keep collecting little pieces of myself. I keep trying to learn about myself. I need to know, you know? I'm at my happiest when I understand myself and I understand my life. But sometimes I think I know who I am and then something happens and it tests my trust in myself. I can't ever completely understand myself, let alone the world, but I can put the pieces together. That's where blogging comes in. I write on the computer if I'm doing a longer piece because I hate seeing my shapeshifting handwriting cover the paper. Blogging lets me write about myself, about my views, about my life. My blog is a chronicle of my life since basically June. If you look at my earlier posts I was very hesitant to mention anything about my personal life, and certainly there are still many things I don't mention on my blog, but blogging let's me explore myself.

This morning my friend Katie told me that her mom said, "That Hilary is so uninhibited!" When Katie first told me this I thought it was more of a disapproving statement, as in... "That Hilary is... hmm... how can I put this nicely? Uninhibited." But Katie told me that wasn't it at all. Outgoing. Confident. Extroverted.

I am outgoing, I will say that, but my confident levels waver up and down quite often. In general, I'm a fairly confident person. It often depends on the vibes I get from other people. I'm only outgoing when I'm comfortable. If you came into my creative writing class last semester, you would hear me laughing so loud and talking a lot, being myself, but enter my Hero in Lit class this semester and you wouldn't think I was the same person. I have absolutley no friends in my class. It's all people who took the class as a joke, and while I signed up for journalism, I got thrown in with the mix. Yesterday in class I got really nervous when I had to introduce myself to the class... my hands were all clammy and I was shaky and looked down the whole time. It was not good.

There's no way to define me indefinitely, I understand that. If I were to give a shot at defining myself, I would present my friends. I rely very much on my relationships. I always need to be by people. That's why I never get my homework done =] I constantly need to know that there are people there for me. Without my friends or even acquaintances, I don't know who I am. It's a very rare occasion that I want to be alone. Even when I'm upset I'll usually want to be with my friends. They just make me feel better. Yeah, if I'm crying I'm not going to want a bunch of random people standing around, but I feel so much better when I cry with my friends by my side. With Andrea, Veronica, Amy, or Julija. I can cry and not worry about being judged.

It's probably not so great that I rely on my relationships so much because I can't always be with someone. So yeah, I'll be home, in my room, but I'll be on my laptop, connected to AIM or Facebook, or I'll be talking on the phone. I am extremely dependent on my friends. I think something I need to work on is being alone. Over the summer I have a lot of time to myself, and I am happier during the summer because I understand myself more, but I also get very depressed during the summer because I am not constantly in the midst of life, in the middle of action.

Okay, I am just losing my train of thought now... stress is getting to me. [I've spent a considerable amount of time not talking to anyone, so that's good.] Let me just say, that as this week is going on, it is getting better. It's been busy and stressful, but it's definitely improving. Hopefully tomorrow will be better yet =]

I'll post more when I get my thoughts together.
Love,
Hilary.... Grace

The Sunrise

2009-01-22T06:40:00.000-06:00

I hope that today I see the sun rise. I don't think I will because we will be taking the streets to school instead of the expressway, but I hope I see the sun rise. My dad always says that if you see the sun rise, it will be a good day. So I want to see the sun rise.
love,
grace

Hilary Marie

2009-01-20T21:52:00.002-06:00

For the last few years, I have been confused about who I am, what I am supposed to do with my life, why I am here. I think I should start right now but just saying my real name. I'll still go by Grace on my blog, but my real name is Hilary. Hilary Marie. Hilary means "cheerful one." That's a start.

Hate Poem--Julie Sheehan

2009-01-19T11:49:00.003-06:00

I'm cleaning my room [I keep getting distracted either by the computer or by all the things I find] and I was sorting through everything I got from my Creative Writing teacher. I found a poem that she gave us and that Will sent me last year. Ms. Wagenschutz, my Creative Writing teacher loves this poem. I thought I'd post it, to see what you think of it.

Hate Poem

by Julie Sheehan

I hate you truly. Truly I do.

Everything about me hates everything about you.

The flick of my wrist hates you.

The way I hold my pencil hates you.

The sound made by my tiniest bones were they trapped

in the jaws of a moray eel hates you.

Each corpuscle singing in its capillary hates you.

Look out! Fore! I hate you.

The blue-green jewel of sock lint I'm digging

from under by third toenail, left food, hates you.

The history of this keychain hates you.

My sigh in the background as you explain relational databases

hates you.

The goldfish of my genius hates you.

My aorta hates you. Also my ancestors.

A closed window is both a closed window and an obvious

symbol of how I hate you.

My voice curt as a hairshirt: hate.

My hesitation when you invite me for a drive: hate.

My pleasant "good morning": hate.

You know how when I'm sleepy I nuzzle my head

under your arm? Hate.

The whites of my target-eyes articulate hate. My wit

practices it.

My breasts relaxing in their holster from morning

to night hate you.

Layers of hate, a parfait.

Hours after our latest row, brandishing the sharp glee of hate,

I dissect you cell by cell, so that I might hate each one

individually and at leisure.

My lungs, duplicitous twins, expand with the utter validity

of my hate, which can never have enough of you.

Breathlessly, like two idealists in a broken submarine.

This is from Poetry 180, a poem a day for american high schools. Now, substitute each "hate" with "love."

love, grace

i carry your heart

2009-01-18T19:48:00.003-06:00

Last night my friends Carol and Caroline were over and we watched In Her Shoes. At the end of the movie one of the characters recited this poem by e.e. cummings. I don't usually like cummings, but I really liked this poem. Then I was surfing the blogosphere (I realize I sounded like a huge computer nerd there by saying that and I don't care) and I ran across this poem again. I thought there must be a reason that I ran into it twice in two days, so I thought I'd post it.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

St. Valentine's Day

2009-01-17T23:34:00.004-06:00

I'm going to be out of town on Valentine's Day. St. Valentine's Day.

It wouldn't matter to me, except that I'm not going to see my Valentine for only the 2nd time in the 19 Valentine's Days I have had in my life. February 14, 2008 will be 8 YEARS that my mom is cancer free! {& 8 is my family's lucky number because Mom, Tom, and I were born on the eighth of our respective months.}

It was the end of January. A Sunday after Church. Mom and Dad called Tom and me into the living room. I racked my brain for something that I had done that would have gotten me into trouble... I always do that when a serious conversation comes about. But I hadn't done anything wrong. My mom had cancer. Breast Cancer. I was in 4th grade. And by the time I was in fifth grade I knew more about chemo and radiation than any eleven year old should know. Now, I have stories to tell about my experiences that I will eventually expand on, but the one story I remember the most vividly is this:

My Uncle Dan was taking care of Tom, Chris, and me. Our relatives and friends all helped out whenever my parents needed it. It was June 8th, my mom's birthday [my half birthday as I continuously reminded my mom when I was little.] My mom was having a treatment of chemo. It was a Friday. My mom had her chemo on Thursdays as I recall, but this week it had to be changed. Tommy, Chris, and I were sitting outside of Stella's batting cages, licking our soft serve ice cream that the setting sun was quickly melting. My uncle Dan looked at the sun and said, "The sun always shines on your mom's birthday."

So on February 14, 2001 my mom was having surgery to remove the cancer. She left us notes and candy at our spots at the kitchen table. On February 14, 2009, I will be on Kairos and my mom will be at home. She will be 8 years of Cancer Free. She is my Valentine, now and forever. I love you, Mom.

H.A.M. (pronounced ham)

2009-01-17T22:41:00.005-06:00

Well, here is a clue as to what my real name is. H.A.M. = H., Amy, and Michaele(thegirl.) It started out as a day out and turned into an adventurous day out. Cute tidbits about Amy: she ordered a cheese and fig sandwich today at cosi [it was nasty hahahah] and she uses adjectives without nouns... example: What a lame. She's a beautiful. It's a little. Tidbit about Mike: She's named after her mom who was named after the archangel and she wears fake glasses that her friend Brit got her for Christmas. I would just like to inform the world that H.A.M. is the greatest thing since butt rollers.

Love, Grace

My friends are my best accessories...

2009-01-16T21:10:00.009-06:00

These girls. Julija, Veronica, and Andrea

These girls are my best friends.
They make fun of me all the time, whether it's about my laugh or my cluelessness or my procrastinating on my finite homework and turning it in two days late when we had all semester to do it... or even the fact that I'm a blogger. Haha, I'm a blogger. HELLO, WORLD! We have our "special places," inside jokes... bitchYYY, butt rollers... like heelys for your pants!, in my life... we burst out into song at random moments and will walk down the hall way singing anything from backstreet boys to phantom of the opera. We spend hours in Jimmy John's and Massa, laughing so loud that it's actually surprising that we don't get kicked out... We're complete idiots but we're actually really intelligent... Absentminded professors? We are dedicated to each other and to our activities and once we commit to something we don't back out. We are people of our word.

I think the best thing about my friends, though, is that even when they are trying to cheer me up, they still make fun of me. The don't just act all sympathetic and not really give a shit... they genuinely care about me... and they know that I love them so much that it helps that they make fun of me. I love my friends. I truly do. I love my friends. They tell me when I'm overreacting, when I'm wrong about people, when I'm right about people, when I'm being a little too crazy. I think the way you really know when you love someone is when you know that you can yell at each other and make fun of each other and go crazy on each other, but at the end of the day, everything is going to be fine. Seriously, I call Andrea "Mom" and she responds to me. We are family. The only other people that I know I can yell at and get away with it are my mom, dad, Tom, and Chris. So I have told guys that I love them, yeah, and it has always been a lie. And I have told other friends of mine that I love them, and well, I love them, but I don't love them unconditionally. Like really, I screamed at Julija in front of the entire choir and we're still friends. And I call Ronica all the time and make fun of her for her height and tease her nonstop, and she even wrote a blog about me. I completely flipped out at Andrea and, well, she let's me refer to her as Mom. I've got some kickass friends.

So, today, I wore my accessories that make me who I am. I wore my earrings and necklace that my aunt Kathy gave me before she passed away when I was in 8th grade, and I wore my friend Amy's tank top, and I wore the matching underwear that I got when I was with Amy and Michaele(thegirl) and I wore the Claudaugh ring that belonged to my grandmother... I had the people I love with me today. My best accessories today though, were those beauties up there... Andrea, Ronica, and Julija up there. They've got my back and I've got theirs. And, yeah, it took me two years to find my friends, but it was worth it, because the happiness I have experienced with them in the past year and half has outweighed by far the struggle I had during the first to years of high school. So here's to the girls, not aphrodite and persephone ( ) but my girls, Mom, Bee, and Julija. It's cliche, but I would fall up staircases without having anyone to laugh at me without you.

Love,
Grace

P.S. Friends are like bras: close to the heart and always there for support.
P.P.S. I would rather have you guys than wear a bra. =]

From Write on Wednesday

2009-01-14T19:38:00.004-06:00

What’s your favourite genre of writing? Creative Nonfiction
How often do you get writer’s block? Whenever I have an assignment due =]
How do you fix it? I just write anything I can think of, try to get into a good mood so that I can get my creative juices going
Do you type or write by hand? I type because my handwriting changes every two seconds and I can't stand it...
Do you save everything you write? No, I should, but some of it is soooo bad
Do you ever go back to an old idea long after you abandoned it? Yessir =]
Do you have a constructive critic? Not officially, but my Creative Writing teacher and my friends give me good feedback
Did you ever write a novel? haha, it's only one of my greatest aspirations
What genre would you love to write but haven’t? I would love to BE GOOD at writing ficion
What’s one genre you have never written, and probably never will? I hate poetry. I've written it, but I hate it. Ugh Poetry. Die.
How many writing projects are you working on right now? Currently I'm being extremely lazyy... I have a lot of unfinished projects
Do you write for a living? Do you want to? I do not write for a living but someday I hope to
Have you ever written something for a magazine or newspaper? I've submitted something... it was a really poorly written piece with a very poorly chosen subject
Have you ever won an award for your writing? no
What are your five favourite words? precious... oh man, i can't think right now...
Do you ever write based on your dreams? No
Do you favour happy endings, sad endings, or cliff-hangers? Mmm... not cliffhangers... I try to change it up between happy and sad endings... not everything is happy in life, but not everything is completely depressing
Have you ever written based on an artwork you’ve seen? No

Answering a question...

2009-01-04T18:54:00.004-06:00

Last week, I was talking to my friend’s cousin. And he asked me why I act. Why do I act? I guess I could make it sound important, like I feel it’s my calling or whatever, but really I act because of the high I get at the end of the show, the desire to feel like I’ve accomplished something, and a terrible need to be loved. People clapping, the attention on you, singing your heart out, perfecting what seemed impossible… I know that during the rehearsal process I can act like a total bitch [again, I’m sorry for the language] but at the end, the struggle was worth it. You can’t appreciate something unless you know what its opposite is. The frustration is all worth it when you walk onstage for the first time and feel the warmth, maybe the wonder or skepticism of the audience. If you know the people are expecting a stellar presentation, than you give it to them, and if they are looking forward to a disaster onstage, you disappoint them with the best performance you’ve ever given. Because in the end, it isn’t really about the audience. Not for me anyway. I don’t act out of the goodness of my heart or because of the joy I get from knowing that I entertained someone for the evening. I have other ways of brightening people’s lives. I act out of complete selfishness. I act for myself, because the audience brings me joy. They help me perform to my best ability. They make me feel like I’m worth it.

The acting high? Very similar to the running high. I only get it after musicals though, not straight plays. I feel infinite. I can keep going forever, because the energy of the cast, the enthusiasm of the audience… it can keep me alive longer than imaginable. After the opening performance of Kiss Me, Kate, I was a little, well more than a little, unsettled to hear that someone in the audience had referred to me as a “f---ing slut.” But you know what? That was exactly what I was supposed to be. I am not a slut in any meaning of the word, but Lois Lane? Yeah, she’s as slutty as they come. So every night, I tried to become Lois more and more. I was actually thinking about it earlier today, and I wish I could have had more time to find my character. I really can never find my character until I have a costume. A men’s pajama shirt and three inch heels? I can find Lois for you. A blue jumper and a white ribbon? Belle can be found there somewhere. I can do it. I promise you. It takes some time and direction, but I am an actress. And the feeling of knowing that I’ve accomplished it, that people enjoyed watching me, and that at least the character I played is worth watching even if my day-to-day self isn’t… that’s what keeps me going. It’s weird, but sometimes when I’m onstage, playing someone completely different from myself, I’m more myself than I am on a daily basis. Because I’m doing what I love. So Pat, that’s why I act.

Love,
Grace

2009-01-04T13:51:00.004-06:00

I sometimes have a hard time watching movies... well, I just get distracted very easily from anything I'm doing. So the first time I saw Rent, I was less than thrilled with it. I just rewatched it last night. Wow.

There's only us. There's
only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

I find this trailer so moving.

Resolutions...

2009-01-02T21:21:00.005-06:00

New year's resolutions? Ehh, not really, just a bunch of things that I've been wanting to do. I don't know if I can accomplish them all in one year... I just want to do them... at some point... maybe soon. Whenver I decide to take on one thing I always think I can do better. And I can do better... somewhere along the way I just lost the willpower. So here's to 2009 and all the good and bad it will bring. Here's to the new people I will meet, and the old people I can continue to cherish.

· Write more letters
· Be trustworthy
· Be honest
· Don’t be afraid to say what I think
· Show people when I love them
· Forgive.
· Practice for voice lessons
· Learn piano
· Start running again.
· Lose the 23 pounds I gained in 2008
· Find time for myself. For reading. For writing. For taking bubble baths and pampering myself.
· Find who I am and what I believe.
· Find the line between having fun and being obnoxious.
· Not to be a bitch. [Sorry for the language.]
· Be healthy.
· Save money.
· Stop swearing.
· Be confident.
· Get organized.
· Stop being scared.
· See the movies I’ve wanted to see.
· Get off the damn computer.
· Start walking.
· Go on the swings at the park once a week.
· Catch up with people.
· Make friends at college.
· Make this summer count.
· Get scholarships.
· Find somewhere I love to work.
· Take yoga classes
· Stop being lazy.
· Take up photography.
· Learn to sew.
· Find who I can trust.
· Make communication more personal.
· Find a new subject to study.
· Learn to dance.
· Eat what I want. But don’t overeat.
· Learn how to cook something other than pasta, eggs, and French toast =]
· Do what I want. No regrets.
Love,
Grace

Something Old

2008-12-29T16:20:00.004-06:00

Okay so when I was little I never liked having anything old. Everything had to be new, and books had to stay in perfect condition even if they were several years old. Only framed pictures could be hung on the walls and if everything wasn't perfect then everything would fall to pieces. I don't know, it's the way I've always been... it's all or nothing. Lately though, I've been liking when things look worn... like, books, if there's something written in them, that's awesome. I love when my voice teacher gives me copies of music that have old notes written on them. I like knowing that life has gone on in the things I own. In my room, I have pictures, unframed pictures and posters and ticket stubs and certificates. My only problem now is that I think through things too much. Like, I really want to put a princess sticker that I took from the doctor's office on my new book, The Perks of Being a Wallflower, but will someone question it, or judge, or will I regret putting it on there? Will it ruin the total sense of the book? And which princess sticker... I did, of course, take four... because the first one was Snow White, and I can't stand her, the second is Cinderella which was okay, but then there was Belle, who I played in Beauty and the Beast, and if I was going to take Belle then of course I needed to get Aurora because she is my favorite... so which do I put on the book? And where? Should I put it on the front cover and regret ruining the simplicity of the cover, or should I put it in the back cover and risk seeming too mild to put it in plain view? Haha yeah I think wayyy to much about things... I think I just need to do it...
Love,
Grace

Something I Noticed...

2008-12-18T16:54:00.004-06:00

Well... I was thinking about this on the car ride home... I'd noticed it before and I don't know why I was thinking about it as it is completely random... but I noticed when I was watching Breakfast at Tiffany's a while ago that when Audrey Hepburn and George Peppard kiss Audrey's neck is very long, extended, graceful, and beautiful, and George's chin is very inward, almost touching his clavicle, his neck not even visible above his coat. I don't know why, but I just thought it was cute. I have noticed this kind of kiss in several old movies.

I'm sure it's because George is taller than Audrey, so she has to reach up to him, but I just likedd it... I can't even describe why.

love, grace

Merry Christmas, Friend

2008-12-18T16:45:00.002-06:00

Uhm... I would just like to dedicate this post to all the brave men and women who are fighting to protect our country.

Love, grace

Birthdayssss

2008-12-08T07:40:00.003-06:00

Hey, blogger family!
Today, December 8, 2008, I am 18.

I love birthdays.
I love a day all about me.
This year I didn't build it up though.
I don't feel any different.
I'm a legal adult now...
But from 17 to 18 there's no major change overnight.

At exactly 12:00 in the morning I was woken up by my friend Tracy.
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."
We talked for 6 minutes and thennn...
Alexis called
"Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you..."

I love my friends.
I just got back from Mass for the Immaculate Conception of Mary and now my mom and my brother Tom are taking me out for breakfast. [We don't have school today because we had open house yesterday.]

So here's to another year =]

xoxograce

a needed update

2008-12-04T20:09:00.012-06:00

So, I have been sooooo busy lately and have not had time to update. (aka I've been really lazy)

So my fall has been filled with college applications, homework, and rehearsal. I had the supporting role in the musical Kiss Me, Kate. I played Lois Lane/Bianca. It was really crazy and I wasn't sure that things were going to work out, but they did =]

The first picture from left to right is me as Bianca, Colin as Lucentio, Maria as Kate, and Zack as Petruchio. Kiss Me, Kate is a musical version of Shakespeare's The Taming of the Shrew. It's a play within a play so we each had two characters we were playing. One of my favorite things about the show was all the costumes... we had costumes from the 1940's and from Shakespearean times so it was a lot of variety. The second picture is me as Bianca with Colin as Lucentio and Andrea as Baptista. Our family was kind of awesome. Then is me as Lois with Katie, and finally, me with my beloved assistant stage manager, Genevieve. (that kiss on her cheek is from me.)

Because of choir and the play, I made a new best friend this fall. Her name is Alexis and she is pretty much awesome.

Other than that, things have been great. Two of my friends and I have reconnected after fairly long periods of not talking. I'm happy in school right now... except in the math and science departments because I do not think with the left side of my brain.

One of my best friends Amy helped me with my mom's golf outing for Breast Cancer in October. It was a lot of fun spending time with my friends and family.

Thanksgiving was... delicious. I ate so much I had trouble getting up off the couch. We went to my cousins for dinner and then my aunt and uncle's house for dessert. In the morning we went to the Turkey Bowl with my mom's cousins and played some football. I caught the ball twice =] I was very proud.

I'm excited because my birthday is on Monday =]

We don't have school Monday and I like having my birthday when school is in because I like seeing everyone and it's always a dress-up day for Mass because my birthday is on the Immaculate Conception of Mary. I'm glad that I will have a relaxing day, though.

I drank a Sprite the other day. It was kind of delicious... I'm normally a diet pepsi person...

Haha today Andrea sent me to go fetch her some water and I accidently got her citrus water and I thought she was going to kill me... but it wasn't as bad as expected.

I have a really unique laugh and lately people have been coming up to me in the hallway, asking me if I was laughing in class because they heard me down the hall... oops =]

Okay, it was lovely catching up. I'll try and post again soon.

xoxograce

Dog's Death by John Updike

2008-12-03T08:37:00.001-06:00

She must have been kicked unseen or brushed by a car.
Too young to know much, she was beginning to learn
To use the newspapers spread on the kitchen floor
And to win, wetting there, the words, "Good dog! Good dog!"

We thought her shy malaise was a shot reaction.
The autopsy disclosed a rupture in her liver.
As we teased her with play, blood was filling her skin
And her heart was learning to lie down forever.

Monday morning, as the children were noisily fed
And sent to school, she crawled beneath the youngest's bed.
We found her twisted and limp but still alive.
In the car to the vet's, on my lap, she tried

To bite my hand and died.
I stroked her warm fur
And my wife called in a voice imperious with tears.
Though surrounded by love that would have upheld her,
Nevertheless she sank and, stiffening, disappeared.

Back home, we found that in the night her frame,
Drawing near to dissolution, had endured the shame
Of diarrhoea and had dragged across the floor
To a newspaper carelessly left there. Good dog.

unconditional love

2008-12-03T08:35:00.001-06:00

So, I was in religion class yesterday and we were discussing how God is a mystery and we can never completely know the being that God is. I kind of started thinking on my own, just some shallow contemplation, but I came to the conclusion that God must be a really cool guy (or being, if you want to be completely correct.) I was just imagining what it would be like to be God, and I thought about how bored I would be. Seriously, God must love us so much. He does so much for us, he watches his people make mistakes over and over again and he still loves us. He’s watched us for millions of years. I would honestly be extremely depressed if I saw all the evil that happens in my creation. But I am not God. And I am very happy about that. God sees the evil, but he also sees the good. He sees the need to please. He sees that we are trying and struggling to do his will every day and he gives us credit for that. We are not perfect; we can never hope to be. But we can be grateful that we have a God who loves us unconditionally.

I Love You, Lady

2008-11-06T05:31:00.003-06:00

She's number 5 on my speed dial.
Number 1 is voicemail.
2 is home.
3 is Mom.
four is Dad.
5 is Tracy.

Granted I don't call her that much. Tracy was my best friend freshman year. We don't really get to see each other much now, but we're still close. We will always be close. You know how there are some relationships when if you don't see the other person for a while, it gets awkward? That didn't happen with Tracy and myself. We were always fine. Grace and Trace. Except not really because my name isn't really Grace =] Well, I just wanted to make a post for Tracy. Her father passed away yesterday. This man was the funniest man you will ever meet. I guarantee you won't find anyone who cares about being a good father more than Mr. K did. I just wanted to let TK know that I love her and that everyone loves her and that we are all here for her, and I wanted to ask that everyone keep her and her family in their prayers. Thank you.

love,
grace

God Bless America

2008-11-04T05:55:00.002-06:00

Everyone,
Please make wise decisions today. You should have done your homework. You should know the issues. Please make informed decisions.
-grace

Tact

2008-10-30T21:08:00.004-05:00

I have a hard time knowing when something crosses the line.

When does a cliche become a cliche? When does it cross the line from being a clever phrase to being "cliche?" My English teacher told me after the 27th time it's been used. It would be nice if things did just have numbers like that. After the 27th time "it was a dark and stormy night" was used it turned into a cliche. That would make it so much easier.

When does it cross the line from being confident to cocky? Or from open to vulgar? It's so difficult to find these things out until you mess up and you cross the line. I'm not sure if I am the only one who feels like this. Maybe other people just have a little more tact.

xoxograce

Charming

2008-10-30T21:06:00.002-05:00

Once there was a girl named Grace.
She had a friend named Ariel.
Ariel liked the word "charming."
Grace liked it too.
And, lucky for them,
it described them both perfectly.

xoxograce

The Virgin Mary

2008-10-14T22:24:00.004-05:00

I have always had a special connection with the Virgin Mary. My birthday is December 8th, the Feast of the Immaculate Conception. I always get to go to Mass on my birthday. When I was little, I always hated "having" to go to Mass on my birthday. "You'll get graces in heaven," my dad always said, but that never made me feel any better. Now I love going to Mass on my birthday. I get to thank God and Mary for another year of life and I get to start my day out with the right mindset. October is a special month for Mary. My mom is having a Rosary after Mass tomorrow morning and someone came by to drop off roses today. My dad came in singing a song for Mary that is normally sung during May, the other month of Mary. I think this song is so beautiful, I need to post it.

Bring flowers of the fairest
Bring flowers of the rarest
From garden and woodlandAnd hillside and vale
Our full hearts are swelling
Our Glad voices telling
The praise of the loveliest
Rose of the vale

O Mary!
we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May
O Mary! we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May

Our voices ascending,
In harmony blending
Oh! Thus may our hearts turn
Dear Mother, to thee
Oh! Thus shall we prove thee
How truly we love thee
How dark without Mary
Life's journey would be

O Mary!
we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May
O Mary! we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May

O Virgin most tender
Our homage we render
Thy love and protection
Sweet Mother, to win
In danger defend us
In sorrow befriend us
And shield our hearts
From contagion and sin

O Mary!
we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May
O Mary! we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May

Of Mothers the dearest
Oh, wilt thou be nearest
When life with temptation
Is darkly replete
Forsake us, O never
Our hearts be they ever
As Pure as the lilies
We lay at thy feet

O Mary! we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May
O Mary! we crown thee with blossoms today
Queen of the Angels, Queen of the May

My Friends

2008-10-04T22:25:00.004-05:00

I think I'm going to write a post dedicated to one of my friends every once in a while.

The first one is to my friend... Andrea

This is andrea. we go to school together. we were acquaintances freshman and sophomore year and then last year we became really close. we're both theatre dorks... [most of my friend are either theatre dorks or running nerds]

andrea is kind of... awesome

haha i'm not really saying anything substantial at all in this post. i really just wanted a reason to post this picture because i love it... so haha i'm probably not actually going to write blog posts dedicated to specific friends... sorry to disappoint you. i like writing. i like the feeling of having my thoughts come out on to paper... or onto a computer screen.

remind me... i have to write about my writing dreams. writing is my passion. just to let you know, writing has been my passion longer that music or drama has... i wanted to be a writer ever since i was in second grade and i started writing a novel.

i like being me. i think that's at least the second or third time i said that tonight... but really, i do.

xoxograce

I was just wondering...

2008-10-04T22:23:00.002-05:00

does anyone ever feel so frustrated that there is not enough time in a lifetime to write about everything that could be written about?

2008-10-04T22:21:00.001-05:00

Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.
-C.S. Lewis

When I Grow Up...

2008-10-04T22:12:00.004-05:00

My goal in life is not to be successful. My goal in life is to be happy and to give joy to others.

I want to be a writer. I want to write about everything-- fiction, nonfiction, short stories, novels, poetry, prose... i want to do it all. I want to write my own music. I want to play piano and guitar. I want to sing. I want to create.

I want to help others. I want to be a teacher. I want to be a mother. I want to be able to share my love with others. I want to be a catechist. I want to be a volunteer. I want to have a fruitful life.

I want to be a wife. I want to love someone with all my heart. I want to be willing to give my life for someone. I want to be completely unselfish.

I want to have to work really hard at what I do. I don't want my life to be easy.

I want God to give me challenges that I don't think I can surpass. And then I want to conquer them.

I want to be loved.

xoxograce

100 Positive Things

2008-10-04T21:57:00.003-05:00

I was writing a post about all the things that make me sad... but I decided against posting it. I'm going to be optimistic =]

i made $33 today
i have people who love me for who I am
Will has a best friend who loves him and family and other friends who love him and he still has me there too
God is here
God answers prayers
i'm getting the best grades i've gotten since starting high school
i'm going to get better
i'm brave
i don't have a pin stuck in my foot anymore
i have people that i honestly love with all my heart and would do anything for
my mom's golf outing for breast cancer is tomorrow
my mom survived breast cancer when i was in fourth grade
i participate in my classes
i participated in c.s. lewis club last week =]
i'm actually worth it
i think that there is life after death... there has to be
tears are good sometimes
i think we both learned a lot about being good friends from the few months that we were friends...
sometimes you just have to be strong and to let go
people liked my autobiography and i had a really clever idea for the layout
i'm creative
someday i'm going to be a writer
i can dance if i practice because i have two legs, two feet
there are people out there who can understand me
i have a crush on someone
I'M A BLOGGER
i'm unique
i'm open about who i am and what i feel
i don't hold back
i genuinely care about people
i'm wearing santa claus pajama pants
i have about 20 pairs of christmas pajama pants... haha i'm completely serious, too--I counted one time when i was on the phone with Bee
I love my creative writing class
I do not have a math or science part of the brain at all... but i'm amazing at other things
i'm proud of who i am
he doesn't know me
no one actually knows me but myself and God... and that makes life more fun

i am i. i am grace. i love myself. and i love you, too. yes, even you. especially you. you know who i am talking to.

xoxograce

Postsecret

2008-10-04T20:53:00.002-05:00

I love postsecret...

Praying for the Right Thing

2008-09-28T12:18:00.004-05:00

I realized something yesterday. I'd been saying an intercessory prayer to St. James, asking him to get in a word with God to heal an ailment that I have. I thought that miraculously my problems would be solved and that would be the end. Yesterday I had an epiphany. I love the word epiphany. I realized that I was praying for the wrong thing. I would pray to God to "heal me," to "help me," but what I should have been praying for was for God to give me the strength to help myself. I wanted God to just give me the easy way out and to heal me without me actually having to do anything. That's not the way it works. I have the resources to help myself, and that way is definitely harder, but in the end it makes me stronger. I just wanted to share wtih everyone. If you think your prayer has not been answered, look harder. I'm sure the answer is there, it just might not be the answer you wanted. God isn't here to give us everything we want. God's goal is to prepare our souls for heaven. God loves us and knows us better than we know ourselves. God is doing what is right for us. God loves. And love heals.

xoxograce

Homecoming =]

2008-09-28T01:26:00.020-05:00

Well, tonight was lovely. I got my haircut at 1:15 (notice the bangs). Then Julija came over and we drove to the Greek Islands where we met Andrea, Veronica, Cally, and Johanna. Julija and I were somehow color coordinated and we didn't even know we were going to be... we both had black dresses with green accents. Weird. I ate gyros and pastichio and it was delicious. Then we made a Walgreens run because my camera ran out of batteries. We had fun playing in the Halloween aisle. We took pictures that Ronica has on her camera. Then we went to the dance. The theme was Marti Gras but obviously, with our lack of school spirit, nobody cared. I had a lot of fun tonight. Despite my foot problem, I danced all night and had fun with all my friends. After the dance Julija, Andrea, Johanna, and I went to White Palace and got some milkshakes (Julija also got some French toast). That milkshake may have been the best one I have ever had. No joke.

have a lovely rest of the weekend!

xoxograce

"Ive never let my school interfere with my education." -Mark Twain

2008-09-25T10:47:00.005-05:00

I'm in school right now. I'm extremely tired and I should be doing my astronomy homework but I don't know what it is so...

This is spirit week at our school and we have homecoming on Saturday. This is the schedule of the week:
Monday: Twin Day
Tuesday: Hawaiian Day
Wednesday: Superhero Day
Thursday: Decades Day (Freshman-50's, Sophomores-60's, Juniors- 70's, Seniors- 80's) So I'm dressed up with teased hair, leggings and legwarmers right now and it is wayyyy too hot in this building to be wearing layers.
Friday: Spirit Day-- we wear any school shirts and jeans and we have our pep rally. I'm sure it will be peppy. Not really. We have low school spirit at this school. We didn't have a football team for a long time and now we've only had it for five years and we're not the best...

Will on this blog is wearing red pants today hahaha. "Will looks particularly sexy today. Why does he have to be gay?" my friend Katie asked me. Katie, Will says thanks for saying he looks sexy.

I haven't really blogged in a while so I guess I'll update.

School started. I like my classes.
I got the supporting role in the school musical, "Kiss Me, Kate" so that's exciting =]
I'm going to the homecoming game tomorrow with Amy and I'm borrowing one of her dresses for the dance on Saturday because I don't want to spend money and buy a new one. Amy's 4'11" though to my 5'6" so we'll see how her dress fits me...

Being in the computer lab has woken me up because it's air conditioned all year round in here.

Latin class is really boring me lately. Freshman year it was my favorite class. I guess the teacher really can make the class.

I don't want to be in school right now. I want to be in bed eating food.

I'm starting a diet again. I've gained a lot of weight. Yeahh... we'll see.

I wish I could dance.

There is something wrong with my foot. I stepped on something a while ago and now it still hurts and sometimes it feels like a nerve is being pinched or something. It's quite painful.

It's funny to see everyone dressed up this week. We should have theme days every week. I would love it, but I'm sure we'd all get bored.

Okay 4th period ends in like four minutes so I'm gonna go. Hopefully I'll write more soon.

xoxograce

Autumn

2008-09-21T13:49:00.003-05:00

Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile.

-William Cullen Bryant

I Miss Summer...

2008-09-19T19:20:00.002-05:00

Amy and me at the beach =]

=]

2008-09-12T22:35:00.001-05:00

i'm not nervous anymore.

=/

2008-09-12T06:19:00.001-05:00

I'm nervous.

-grace

2008-09-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

"he's kind of charming."
-ariel

that's why they call them crushes

2008-09-09T20:40:00.003-05:00

"That's why they call them crushes. If they were easy they'd call them something else."

-Jim Baker, Sixteen Candles

Ariel and I were just on the phone for a while. We were talking about a multitude of topics, but one that is really on my mind right now is crushes. I've been thinking about it. Most guys that I've liked in the past are guys that I kind of convinced myself to like because I thought that I should like them, not because I actually did. I don't really know if that makes sense, but it's what happened. I just always wanted someone to like. It's fun to have someone that you like. It's really difficult, too, but I realized something today. (The path my life has been taking recently has been one of revelation.) I realized today that the worst thing is when you like someone that you didn't chose to like. You just like him or her. You didn't pick them out and say "Hey, I like you." It just happened. You kind of tripped over them. You didn't mean to, but it happened. That is the worst thing. Well, for me, right now, it's the worst thing. If circumstances were different then I think that it would actually be extremely wonderful.

love,
grace

p.s. i'm finding it a lot harder to be close with God while school is in session. i'm kind of just trying to survive. it's getting in the way of my faith journey and is causing concern.

Hey, Blogger Family!

2008-09-07T20:22:00.000-05:00

hey guys,
i just realized something a few minute ago. guess what. i know how to forgive.
love,
grace

1950's Style

2008-09-07T10:09:00.003-05:00

I finally combed out my beehive. I think I must have been in the shower for at least twenty minutes longer than usual because I was trying to tame my teased hair and get rid of all the hairspray. I had a 1950's party last night! It was fun, we played fifties music, hula hooped, dressed up, and had a bonfire. We also had a graffiti wall on my garage and everyone wrote something.

I like making people dress up. I find it entertaining =]

In other news, I'm sick and my voice is shot and I have an audition this week so I'm kind of really upset. I'm also looking forward to seeing Shannon's pictures from her dad's wedding when she posts them! I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday.

xoxo,

grace

Things I'm Liking...

2008-09-05T20:34:00.003-05:00

freshly waxed eyebrows
dressing in 80's workout clothes
the 1950's
pink pumps
Massa
awkwardly cantoring at Mass
talking at my usual volume even though my voice is shot... but now i'm talking like a man to ease the pain so i guess that's my punishment
sweatbands
mistakenly calling bloggers by their real name online
dancing
smiling
laughing really loud
going to Goodwill

<333grace

Bottle Opener

2008-09-04T20:22:00.001-05:00

My brother just informed me that the dentures on our garage are a bottle opener! Is that not hilarious?
xoxograce

Dentures

2008-09-04T20:09:00.004-05:00

I was just thinking about my garage. Why I was thinking about my garage as I was in the middle of writing my religion would take along and complicated explanation, but anyway, I was thinking about my garage. Our garage is an ordinary two car garage that is filled with way too much garbage to fit one car, let alone two. Our garage is ordinary. Except for one thing. There is a pair of dentures attached to our garage. I have no idea why they are there, but the are right on the garage door, painted white and easily mistaken for a hook on the door. After close examination, however, you will see that there is, a pair of dentures stationed on my garage door.

multa amore,
grace

2008-09-03T19:37:00.001-05:00

i bought a new life for a dollar twenty-five, some sunglasses, too.
*backseat goodbye

A Short Post with Easy Reading Specifically for Ariel and Ausrine

2008-09-01T12:18:00.003-05:00

my foot hurts.
i stepped on something on saturday.
it's not the ball of my foot, it's next to it.
it's not my foot with bursitis either.
i don't know what's wrong with it.
hopefully i won't die from it.
the end.

love,
grace

Brian Andreas

2008-08-24T16:46:00.005-05:00

I started thinking about a quote today when I was bike riding. I didn't know who the author was, but I liked the quote. I googled it (google solves all) and the author was Brian Andreas who is an American artist and short story teller.

She said she usually cried at least once each day

not because she was sad,

but because the world was so beautiful and life was so short.

Here are some more quotes by Brian Andreas:

Everything changed

the day he figured out

there was exactly enough time

for the important things in his life.

The most important thing

you leave behind is the stuff that turns into treasures

when children find it.

Anyone can slay a dragon, he told me,

but try waking up every morning and loving the world all over again.

That's what takes a real hero.

I just thought this was all very beautiful.

Have a wonderful Sunday,

gracie

Some Random Thoughts...

2008-08-18T09:06:00.003-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about how if you've grown up with someone always there, or something always at your disposal, it takes a long time to realize how much you rely on them.

Louis Armstrong's "What a Wonderful World."
I've heard that song since I was little but it wasn't until Thursday when my voice teacher, Lucy, gave me the song to sing that I really saw how beautiful it was. I'd grown up with that song, but I'd never really listened to it until Thursday. Listen to it again. It is beautiful. What a wonderful world.

I enjoy using commas and starting sentences with "But" even though I was always told that was incorrect. Once I got out of grammar school and saw that people do start sentences with "But" I took advantage of that. Now I use it wayy too much =]

Carrie Underwood's "Jesus Take the Wheel."

Jesus take the wheel/Take it from my hands/Cause I can't do this on my own/I'm letting go/So give me one more chance/Save me from this road I'm on/Jesus take the wheel

My Favorite Song ever (Not counting the Beatles and "Across the Universe")... "I Love it When You Call" by The Feeling. I love the way it starts out. It makes me happy.

I have really, really good friends who are there for me when I need it. I am so lucky.

When I did my research for my paper on Marie Antoinette last fall, Elena Maria Vidal was a big help. She's written a book about Marie Antoinette and her blog has sooo many articles on the French Queen. =] I looooove Marie Antoinette.

Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's. That's the film that she's most known for. Did you know that she said that was the hardest role she ever played?

I really like salsa dancing. It is so much fun.

I haven't done anything for school yet. And classes start on Thursday =[

I went to the state fair this weekend. It was fun. We saw the Neverly Brothers =]

Ben Folds' song "Brick" is so sad. It's about when his girlfriend got an abortion and afterwards who they just drifted apart because they were both in so much pain because of of it.

Right now, I'm reading The Friday Night Knitting Club. It's kind of random. I like it.

This was a really weird post.

Have a great day, everyone!

xoxograce

Getting Back

2008-08-17T23:01:00.006-05:00

"Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, nothing is going to get better. It’s not."

-- Dr. Seuss

This is it. I'm going to write about my service trip. Right now, in this blog, before the magic is all forgotten.

Let's just put this out in the open right now: I went on this service trip because I felt like I had to.

170 kids out of my class of 350something were going on service trips. I didn't want to be one of the minority who didn't. But I also didn't want to go to some random town with a bunch of random people I didn't know. I used to be really open and bubbly in grammar school, but after high school I got the tiniest more reserved. I got really, really awkward. There are some people I can talk to easily, some I can't. And the chances were pretty slim that I would be friends with people on my trip. But I went. Out of obligation, but I suppose also out of some silent hope that I would actually get a good experience, like everyone said.

We were going to Harlan, Kentucky to work with an Organization known as C.O.A.P. (Christian Outreach with the Appalachian People.) I'm not really going to talk about my group in this. We did kind of form a community, but one problem with the program we were on was that, unlike the other trips that had gone from our school, we didn't do service in small groups every day. We served as one large group of twenty two. Because of this, none of the barriers of the different cliques and social classes were really broken. We pretty much just stayed with the same group we had rode the bus with. We cooked and cleaned together, always begged for seconds together (we were living on $3 a day, so we were still hungry after each meal), shared one bathroom and one cabin, and some people did form community, but it wasn't a very welcoming community, I felt. But then again, I'm awkward, and for some strange reason my mind was kind of on a retreat that week, so I know I'm partly to blame for not really being connected. That week in Harlan was a week I spent with God and myself, more than anyone else, even though I was with 21 other people. It was wonderful though. I was away from all the distractions-- my phone, the computer-- and I was more or less on my own out there, with no one who knew too much about me, who could make me remember what was going on back home ore remind me of the past. It was God and I. It was lovely.

We were working on a house for a family in the town next to Harlan. We were putting up roofing and siding. Our carpenter was the best part of the trip. For the sake of privacy, I won't use his real name. He'll be Bobby as far as this blog is concerned. The lady who runs C.O.A.P., Ms. Jessica, told us to guess what Bobby's age was. We all made guesses and Matt wrote them on his pants. We were all guessing that Bobby was in his twenties. We were wrong. Bobby is seventeen. Just like all of us. And he works fourteen hours a day.

The first few days Bobby didn't say anything to us. We couldn't get him to talk. Around Wednesday, he finally started laughing at some of the things we said. He started to like us. It was so cool.

It was weird, though. Bobby is seventeen, but he seems so much older than all of us, like he knows something about life that all of us are missing. Bobby knows what hard work is, that's for sure, but I don't think that's all we don't know. I think there is something else. Something in that relaxed southern way of life, where 8 o'clock can range anywhere from 8-9 and if you don't get something done because you are talking to someone and getting to know them, it doesn't matter because you were doing something special with your time. Everyone knew that Bobby was more mature than any of us. The adults even treated him like their equal. Because he is. Bobby is in every way the equal of an adult, and that is so weird for me to think, being his age and still being under the control of my parents and teachers.

Bobby works fourteen hours a day. Bobby doesn't go to school. It kind of seemed to us that Bobby is missing out on being a kid. Legally, he is a kid. But really, I think Bobby kind of skipped from being four to forty.

Around Tuesday of that week I realized what I wanted to do with my life, at least for a few years after college. I want to teach. Not just anywhere. I want to teach English at Harlan High School. Harlan is a mining town, and if you are not a miner, there are no jobs unless you're educated. And most of the people in Harlan aren't. I want to go there and teach. I want to make a difference. I know I sound like I'm trying to be a savior, but that's not what I want at all. I want to teach kids, to share my love of reading and writing, to pass on what I know. But most of all, I want to learn the big secret that everyone in Harlan, Kentucky seemed to know. I want to learn how to appreciate life. I want to learn from the citizens of Harlan. I want to let them teach me, and if I'm lucky, I want to convince at least one student to stay in school. That's all I want-- to make a difference in the life of one person. I want to touch people's lives, and I want to meet people who touch mine. I want to know people everywhere, I want to be someone special in the lives of the people I come in contact with. I want to be needed.

That's what I learned on this trip to Harlan, Kentucky-- how good it feels to be needed. I need to be needed. This was one of the most amazing experiences of my life, not because I landed a good group or good chaperones, but ecause the simlicity of every day helped me discover who I am and what I want. It helped me learn about myself and others, and these are things I will never for get.

xoxograce

100 Summer Memories

2008-08-12T09:47:00.008-05:00

"In the summer, the song sings itself."

-William Carlos Williams

My most sensational summer memories:

the first Sox game of the summer and the romantic time watching the fireworks ;)
walking through the city after dark
salmonella pancakes and handwashed glasses
NOT being at the restaurant
my tea party
the Taste
Bob
our cupcake baking party
watching our 8th grade class video
the 3rd and 4th of July
finding myself
learning to legitimately love my curves instead of just pretending
finally making a decision about cross country
finding God
still fulfilling some of my hippie desires, although no one knows it =]
not making a list of things to do this summer so that things could happen as they were supposed to
my service trip and Billy
dropping ice cream
not eating chocolate
finding the bush that I used to pick berries from when I was little... the berries are still delicious... mmm
serving others and Lou Mitchell's
making my own music
voice lessons =]
putting covers on non-take-home glasses
Batman
describing Pineapple Express as "highly inappropriate"
spending the week with my mom
Chinese food
the Olympics =]
swimming haha and swim meets with Ann
going out to lunch with out clothes over our bathing suits
on the way to the beach... "Grace... do you see that there is no sun outside?"
Gino's East and creeper's at Water Tower
Mike's cookies
not hiding from the rain
getting caught in the thunderstorm with Clare
Definitely, Maybe =]
white sox games... haha elvis nights
Genevieve and Bethel =]
fireworks
reconnecting with grammar school friends
learning there are some people you can't trust
but that doesn't mean that there aren't people you can trust. because there are.
the Rosary
St. James and my grotto
forgetting
remembering
Mamma Mia with Aunt Karen and Mom
Jersey Boys... I guess that's your birthday present...
Veronica... I'm on my blog...
guitar hero
Palmer's Place, Borders, and Coldstone
researching
uncomfortable trips to Noodles
Six Flags with the Toms
knowing that I'm worth it
being a natural blonde
letting my hair dry naturally
not going to Polish class
dressing up as Audrey Hepburn
Much Ado About Nothing closing
running down Michigan with my dress falling down while Andrea sits in the car laughing
standing on a roof
line dancing... hahahaha
the lazy river
not talking about Hubert
cutting onions
s'mores and bonfires
walking in the city after dark
not watching Kiss Me, Kate
actually being optimistic about this year =D
smiling
black eyed susans, green trees, and daylilies
Jim Sturgess
Bob. Again.
people visiting me at work
American Apparel and sweatbands
Broadway in Chicago night at the Taste
wearing comfortable clothes.
Jorgie
laughing about things that happened two years ago
the sky being so blue and the clouds being so beautiful that it looks fake
dancing
making invitations for my tea party
actually liking my schedule
having enough to eat after coming home from Kentucky
praying
not remembering my half birthday
"I'm going to sell these on Ebay!"
not having to listen to the trumpet playing
dragonfly lamps
Cherry Coke
concert at the park with Ariel
not wearing jewelery, makeup, or rainbows
not getting tan... again
babysitting
catching fireflies
walking for no reason
getting closer to my dog
realizing there are still 7 days left

FYI my original list got deleted, so this is what I came up with the second time. I think that this has been my favorite summer in a long time. It's been a good one.

xoxograce

My Little Grotto

2008-08-08T17:36:00.004-05:00

This is my grotto for St. James the Greater in my room.

My Camera Could Not Capture It...

2008-08-06T21:32:00.002-05:00

Your camera wouldn't have been able to capture it either. I was trudging home from the hell that is my job, and I crossed a bridge over the DesPlaines River. I've been going over that bridges, either walking or driving, several times a week since I was four. Big deal. The bridge by the dam. I'd been over it thousands of times before. Once in a while, I would stop and look, pretending that I saw how beautiful it was. I always wanted to see the beauty of the world, but my eyes were blind, despite the fact that I have 20/20 vision. I would try and fool myself into thinking that I understood the beauty of the earth, but I never could. To me, the river was just a bunch of water, flowing it's course. But not today. Today the clouds above the river were colored pink and were in a magnificent design. Right above them was a fingernail moon, and below them was a neverending line of green trees. The river was flowing gently down the damn, and the fishermen were enjoying each other's company. It was the most beautiful sight I have ever been blessed to witness. I could not focus on the whole scene at one time. I wanted to take in the whole view at once, but I would have had to step out onto the bridge and risk getting hit by the oncoming traffic. "I wish I had my camera!" I thought. But my digital purple polaroid camera would not have been able to capture it the way I remembered it anyway. I continued walking, past the houses on the other side of town, and saw a house that had just been built. "How beautiful," I thought. There were flowers hanging outside of the second story window and it looked perfectly lovely. I looked at the whole house. I realized that a few weeks ago, I would never have been able to appreciate the beauty of that style of house. (Forgive me, I do not know what kind of house it was: I am terrible at classifying cars and houses, but I believe it was a bungalow. I love the word bungalow. It makes me feel like bouncing.) I realized then that somehow, I was viewing the world through different eyes, without even trying. I continued walking, and at the end of the block was the Presbyterian Church. It had stained glass windows and big wooden doors. The church office was an arts and crafts building. It reminded me of the first scene in Beauty and the Beast, when Belle is walking through the village. Again, I wished I had my camera. I had seen this building, too, since I was four and had never realized it's beautiful architecture or the extensive grounds. I began walking again and saw the park across the street from the library. (Our library, by the way, is absolutely gorgeous, and I knew that before I had this new way of seeing the world. It is made out of stone and has a cozy fireplace and reading rooms and is just the most comfortable place in the world!) The park, with its tall trees looked so silently pulchritudinous that I wished I had my camera yet again. And I realized. I did indeed have my camera with me! I was so mad at myself for not realizing that it was in my bag before, but I wasn't about to walk back because my feet were killing me after being on them for hours. I tried to take a picture, but it was turning out way too dark on my camera. The camera just could not capture the moment.

Today I saw the most beautiful sights that I have ever appreciated. I give credit to God for helping me see the beauty of nature.

xoxograce

More Best Friends

2008-08-05T20:16:00.002-05:00

After posting about my best friends and really thinking about it, I realized that I have a lot more than four best friends this summer. This makes me extremely happy =]. I love you, my friends.

xoxograce

"Best Friends"

2008-08-05T11:35:00.003-05:00

From about first grade until around fifth or sixth grade my best friend was Elizabeth, a girl who went to my school and lived nearby. In fifth grade she went to the public school in town, and I continued attending the Catholic school. Until then we had been inseparable. We started seeing each other less and less, and we both made new friends. The title of "best friends" that we had given ourselves steadily turned into just "friends" and we rarely saw each other.

After that my "best friends" switched from year to year. I wouldn't realize it right away, but every summer I would notice that I was hanging out with different people than I had the summer before. The summer after freshman year I had four best friends. The next summer it changed and I still had four best friends, but 3 of them were different than the last year. By the end of last summer, my best friends had changed again.

This summer, I have three best friends. One of them has never been on the roster of best friends before and I regret not knowing her for the past 2 years. Thank God for bringing her into my life this year. These are my best friends, not in any particular order, because I love them all the same.

My first best friend is crazy, just like me. She gives me good advice and understands what I am feeling. We always have a great time together and I know that next summer, she will still be one of my best friends.

My second best friend is my little Bumblebee. I call her Bee for short sometimes. Haha. For short. Bee will understand. Bee holds me and my first best friend together. I would not be able to stay remotely sane without her. She tells me things that I don't want to hear. She tries to knock some sense into me. She comforts me and she is a nice Bumblebee so she never stings. I've never heard her say a bad thing about anyone. I need to take a leaf out of her book.

My third best friend, I have known since fourth grade, but we never became friends until high school. She is always there for me, and she is not afraid to tell me things I don't want to hear. She is so generous in everything she does. I'm so glad we went to the same high school otherwise we would have never become friends.

My two preceding summers, I had four best friends. I think I started this summer off with four as well. There is always room, number four, if you ever want to come back. There is always room for you at the inn.

But I've also found a new kind of best friend this summer. His name is Jesus. That's all I'm going to say.

But lately I've been wondering exactly what it means to be best friends. I mean, Person A could hang out with Person B all the time and have the time of his or her life with Person B and trust Person B, but does that mean that Person B is their best friend? What if there is a Person C? And Person A never notices Person C, but Person C cares more about Person A than Person B does and would do anything for Person A, while Person B would only go so far? Wouldn't Person C, then, be the best friend of Person A? Doesn't it make sense that your best friend would be the one who cared about you the most and did the most for you and everything? It's so confusing, the term "best friend."

This is just what I have been thinking about lately. What if we all have a best friend that we forget about, or just don't notice?

xoxograce

Worrying

2008-08-04T21:25:00.002-05:00

Anyone who knows me personally, and even those of you who just know me through my blogging, may gather that I am the ultimate worrier. I worry about everything. I can't let things drop and I just keep worrying and worrying. And worrying and worrying. Half of my time has got to be spent worrying. I've spent all night since around 6 worrying. I've been trying to distract myself all evening and have not yet succeeded. When I started writing this post I was thinking about saying that I was excited, but then I realized that it wasn't actually excitement, but a kind of counterbalance to my worrying that I was feeling. I was looking through my mom's bookshelf for something to read (as I have been neglecting to go to the library due to fines for overdue books =]) and I found a book that perfectly suits my needs right now. Heaven Help Us: The Worrier's Guide to the Patron Saints. At the bottom of the front cover it says: "Who to call when your heart is broken, your house won't sell, or you suspet that last check won't clear." This book was written for me! And what a time to find it, right in my own house, when I've been silently flipping out for the past three and a half hours. I just had to post about this as I found it so coincidental and wonderful. I'm going to go scan it now to see who to call on for my issue.

goodnight, all.

xoxograce