I ADORE my life

Hey, blogger family.
Well, for a few weeks, I had not been up to my usual standard. I was really confused by a lot of things and when one seemingly bad thing happened it just made everything else that I had been holding in-- all my insecurities, uncertainties about the future, and other problems I didn't want to have to deal with-- come out. It was a really weird feeling. It was like nothing was going to get better. I was really messed up. It was scaring my friends and it scared me. I would walk around in a daze and people would ask me what was wrong and I would tell them that nothing was wrong because I knew they didn't really want to know. It worried me because I didn't realize that I looked sad all the time. I mean, I know I wear my emotions on my shoulders, but I didn't know that I looked genuinely upset all the time. It's weird to know that my friends were really worried about me... sometimes things don't seem as real or as big a deal until you see other people's response to them. All I have to say is that when things go south, you find out who your real friends are. You find out who is going to stick with you when you stop acting like yourself and who is going to stand by you not matter what happens. I already knew my girls were there for me, but honestly, I was acting so terribly to them and to everyone else around me that I wouldn't have been surprised if they'd left. It scares me how mean of a person I was for those two weeks. It frightens me that I can let my problems get in the way of my relationships. I've learned from this experience and I hope I've learned how to better control my emotions and my actions.

Moving on to the present. I am filled with glee. I'm sincerely full of bliss. I adore my life, my friends, my family, my activities, my new haircut, my new exercise routine... Things haven't been this good for a long time. I'm liking myself again... I liked myself during the summer, but I stopped for a while... and now I like myself again. I mean, honestly I wouldn't be able to like my friends as much as I do if I didn't like myself.

One of the saddest parts of the last two weeks: my laugh sounded hollow. I forced myself to laugh and even when things were funny, my laugh sounded strangely sad, hollow. It really worried me. I missed my laugh. I missed myself. Yesterday was the first day that my laugh sounded normal again. It was a beautiful, precious sound. Today I went with Andrea and Veronica to see some of my friends in a one act play, and I laughed a lot. Haha, in fact, I was pretty much the main laugher... and it was genuine laughter. After the show the director said, "Thank God Hilary came." Haha, people kept commenting on my laugh. Then my friend Kevin said, "Hilary, you know how there's the phrase 'one man army'? Well, you're like a one woman audience." I didn't really know how to respond to that but he said that was a good thing =] All I know is that I'm extremely glad to be back where I used to be, hopefully more experienced and improved.

Have a wonderful Wednesday.
Love,
Hilary