The Merging of Two Worlds

This weekend I came back from college for the first time. It was nice to be home, but it was peculiar.

In Chicago, I have my roots. I have my family, my home, my church, my theatre, two schools, grammar school friends, high school friends, theatre friends...

In St. Louis I have my second home, my dorm, the family of friends that I have formed on my own, my school, communication devices such as my computer and cell phone to keep in touch with my family and friends in Chicago...

In Chicago I have my mom, my dad, Tom, Chris, Andrea, Amy, Veronica, Jonathan, Amanda, Mrs. Tardi, Jeremy, Mrs. Meade, Mrs. McGovern, Clare, Natalia, Alexis, John, Kate, Uncle Marty, Aunt Karen, Grandpa, Ms. Schneider, Katie, Genevieve... and so many more.

In St. Louis I have Hannah, Victoria, Natalie, Kelsey, Kenneth, Clare, Jared, RJ, Molls, Jessica, Samiksha, Shim, Matt... and I am sure there are more that I am not thinking of right now.

In Chicago I have a beautiful room that I designed myself.

In St. Louis I have a little white walled room that I share with two other people.

In Chicago I have privacy, the most beautiful town and city in the world, and I have music.

In St. Louis I have independence, a recreation center, and lots of free activities.

It's weird to realize what and who you miss. I miss my bed in Chicago, but I miss RJ walking, excuse me, falling, down the hallways singing at random hours. I miss study sessions at school, and I miss vegging out at home. I miss living in a house. I miss the people I spend ungodly hours of the day with at choir and harlequins rehearsal. I miss music. I saw Ben Folds in St. Louis, though. I miss my comforter from home. I miss Noly Poly and my Harry Potter blanket that I left at school. I miss feeling completely safe like I did when I was little. I miss the fall colors of Riverside. I miss my mom and my dad and all my friends here. I also miss all my friends in St. Louis. It's so weird... it's so weird.

It's so strange because I love them both and I wish that I could bring them both together to make an even more amazing life than the one I have now, but if I were miraculously able to bring them together then I would somehow ruin the beauty of the individual, separate sides of my life have.


This all being said, I have yet to introduce my lovely new friends, so here they are...

Hannah, Victoria, Natalie

These girls are making my college experience what it is supposed to be =]

I love you all and hopefully I will continue blogging again,

Hilary

College!

So I'm all moved into school. Last night we had square dancing on the top of the parking garage! It was awkward but fun! I'm glad that I already know some people here so that I can meet new friends through them. My camera is broken so I can't take a picture of my wonderful dorm space, but hopefully that problem will get solved soon. Rawrrrrrrrrrr
Love,
Hilary

whether insane or not...

"God doesnt give you the people you want, he gives you the people you need to help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you, and to make you into the person that you were meant to be."

Rory: I'm having one of those moments right now.

Dean: What moments?

Rory: One of those moments that everything is so perfect and so wonderful that you almost feel sad because nothing can ever be this good again.

Do you ever get that feeling? The feeling that everything is so wonderful and the world is so beautiful and life is such a blessing and you feel like crying because you know it won't last forever and you wish that it could because you feel so happy? I often get that feeling, when I have a moment of grace with my friends or when I am driving home late at night, or when I am walking to church on Sunday mornings in the spring when the lilacs are blooming and the tulips have blossomed. It's a sad, but good feeling. At least there is something to miss when it goes away, right?

So Much Better

You have to take it for what it is, considering that it's Legally Blonde the Musical, but I love this song.

On this lovely day...

"Aerodynamically, the bumblebee shouldn't be able to fly, but the bumblebee doesn't know it so it goes flying anyway."

-Mary Kay Ash

Reasons to be Happy

• I know where I'm going to college
• I found my beautiful prom dress
• Audrey Hepburn is marvelous in Breakfast at Tiffany's
• Breakfast at Tiffany's is a wonderful novella
• 20 days of school left
• my science project outline is not due till the end of the week
• Brunch with Mom, Tom, Grandpa, Aunt Karen, Uncle Steve, Sandra, and Sister Marge was lovely today
• my room is clean
• pandora is an awesome website
• I'm starting running again tomorrow
• I get to see Amy tomorrow!
• In 20 days there are some people that I will never have to see again
• my blog is beautiful
• my room is clean
• I'm getting along with my family
• I will be back in choir tomorrow, so I can sing and relieve whatever little stress I still have
• I'm going now so I can finish my religion homework by 8!

Supense

So I just started listening to this old time radio show called Suspense after my friend Pat told me about it a few months ago. It's a free podcast on iTunes and I'm kind of obsessed. I didn't think I would like it at first and it wasn't until I had some free time this past week on break that I started actually listening to it because if I'm reading something or get distracted on the computer while it is playing I don't pay attention to the story and completely miss what happened. Hopefully hearing it on the radio and having to picture it on my own will improve my listening skills. It's actually really cool and I highly recommend checking it out. It's free so that's definitely a plus!
xoxograce

"God will not look you over for medals degrees or diplomas, but for scars"-Elbert Hubbard

There’s a scar by my left eyebrow from chicken pox.
There are scars on my elbows from falling off the swing.
There’s a scar on the inside of my right knee from when I fell off my bike.
There’s a scar on the back of my right ankle from shaving.
There’s a scar on my right ankle from a blister I got ice skating.
There’s a scar on the back of my left calf from when my lamp fell on me.
There’s a scar on the back of my right thigh from shaving.
There are scars on my chin and above my eyebrows from acne.
There are scars all over my feet from shoes and from running.
There’s a scar on the side of my middle finger on my right hand from when I mysteriously cut myself somehow.

We all have scars. Scars are marks of life. They show that we haven’t spent all our days inside our rooms sitting on our beds, hiding from the world. They show our braveness, our foolishness, our helplessness. They are imperfections that move us closer to perfection. If we spent all our time inside, away from life, we wouldn’t be living a full, well-rounded life and we’d be moving further from perfection then we would be if we were actually trying. Scars when looked at as a part of something bigger are beautiful. They are a scrapbook of our lives, a roadmap that only shows where we’ve been but can’t tell us where we’re going. Scars are life.

Heyy

I think it is extremely important to address people by their names.

Yeah, I walk down the hallway and say “hey girl” and “what’s up lady,” but if I’m in a conversation with someone, I make sure to call them by their name. I do love terms of endearment. I come up with new ones all the time, but sometimes you just need to hear your name. You need to make sure that the person talking to you actually does know it.

Thinking about it, I don’t think a lot of my friends actually do address me by my name in normal conversation. I do it all the time. Usually if one of my friend’s addresses me, they call me “Hil” which is completely fine. I don’t need the full name. I just need to know that I’m not a general person that they decided to talk to. I do like being called Hil actually. It makes me feel as though people are comfortable with me. I don’t know why, but I really like when people say my name. It’s MY NAME. But I like hearing how other people say it.

Love.

Happy Easter Bunny!

Jesus Christ is risen today, Alleluia!

We went to Mass this morning, then came home and found our Easter baskets, then ate breakfast and now we are preparing for our Easter celebration. I hope everyone has a blessed and happy Easter!

love, grace

Desiderata by Max Erhmann

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant,

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.

Especially, do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass.

Take kindly to the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,

and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

Here in your arms...

Hellogoodbye is playing right now.
It's 12:51 Easter morning.
Jesus rose from the dead.

I am so happy.
I think I'm legit happy, too. I don't think it's from the vicodin.

I'm cleaning my room.
I have so many good friends.
I have so many memories.
I have a bright future.
I have so many treasures.
I feel adorable.
I feel so happy.
I am lovable, loving, and loved.

I have pictures, letters, trinkets, clothing, posters, brainwaves to prove all of these claims.
I have letters that people have written to me from over the years... telling me how much they love me and how much I mean to them. I have boxes and boxes of memories. I have a beautiful room. I have a beautiful family. I have beautiful friends. And my family and friends are, most importantly, beautiful on the inside, which is what I strive to be as well. I have music playing. I am able to hear it. I have Noly Poly Rabbit Tail laying on my bed. I have a "graffiti wall" from my 1950's party folded on my bed right now, filled with loving comments and inside jokes. Hahahah I have painkillers on my bedside table hahahha. I swear to God I'm just happy even though I'm sure it's going to be hard to believe considering the vicodin sitting next to me. This is more of a post for me than it is for anyone else. I guess all my posts are mostly for me. It's not for anyone else. It's all just for me, to improve my writing, improve myself, reflect on my life. It's just easiest to do it all in a blog format. Guess what?? I've been single for 3 months and I love it. Heeeeee!!!! The only person I am accountable to is myself. It's a great feeling. I know how to fix my own problems. I'm intelligent. Wow, this is an optimistic blog beyond belief. I know this probably doesn't make sense to anyone else but myself. Hahaahaha Britney Spears is playing right now... Oops... I did it again. I'm listening to the CD Tracy made me for my 16th birthday. I HAVE MIX CDs SHOWING HOW MANY PEOPLE CARE ABOUT ME!!! HEEE!!! I love day lilies. They are so beautiful. I have a picture of one on my wall. It's gorgeous. Day lilies are my favorite flower. I can't wait until they bloom on my lawn. Ahhh, it's going to be warm outisde soon! I got the most adorable Easter outfit from Forever 21 today. I know a lot of people think Forever 21 is overrated but I absolutely adore it. I love The Sound of Music. I used to want to become a nun because I wanted to be like Maria von Trapp. Hahhaha. I could never be a nun. Even though I feel like I have a duty to become one because of the lack of religious in the world. This is morning... it's when I spend the most time thinking about what I've given up... Jack's Mannequin is now playing. White Sox won!!! My aunt Debbie, my aunt Stefanie, Tom, and I all ate a whole plate of brownies today at my cousin Pat's 21st birthday party... it was so good. Tonight I was finally able to eat some food. Thursday all I could eat after I got my wisdom teeth out was half of a milkshake and yesterday I just ate some mac 'n' cheese, apple sauce, and some ravioli a little later. I ate a lot for dinner today, so that was good. I'm naturally blonde!!!! I've never color treated my hair! I am so lucky!!! Ahhh I am so grateful for everything! St. Thomas Aquinas is the shit! I love him! Ohhh I babysat for a half hour today! I played with Baby Dan down the street and Timmer stayed inside and played computer games while Dan and I played games outside... and he rode around in his firetruck too! It was so fun! I have a stuffed animal named Murphy the Monkey... I am so blessed. Ahhh and I have my family coming over for Easter! I'm so excited! Hopefully I will be bright eyed and bushytailed tomorrow so I can enjoy their company. I feel at peace right now. Two years... is way too long to be holding on to something. I love quincy. He's adorable. Audrey Hepburn is so gorgeous. I am able to read! I am so lucky! And I enjoy reading enough to do it for fun! I wasn't able to watch PG-13 movies until after sophomore year... so I have so many movies to catch up on... but that means I have a myriad of movies to watch! I have so many things to do in my life! I started this blog! I have a reading audience! I HAVE BEEN ON STAGE AS A LEAD IN SEVERAL SHOWS AND PEOPLE HAVE LOVED IT AS MUCH AS I HAVE! I'M FLIPPING USING EXCLAMATION POINTS AND NORMALLY I HATE USING THEM BECAUSE I THINK THEY OVEREXAGGERATE...!!!!!! Okay this blogpost is complete stream of conciousness. Hey, I made it. I'm the world's greatest. I love that song. I love you. I love me. I love everyone. Wheeee!

Love, love, love, forever and ever,
Grace

Paint Splatters and Writing on the Walls...

My dad doesn't like my room.

I painted it two summers ago--it's green with blue trim. Being neither an artist nor a perfectionist, I didn't work very hard to remove any smudges or drips of paint... there's blue where it should only be green, there's green where there should be white... there are quotes written in permanent marker where it should only be plain green... i don't know if anyone has seen my little corner of quotes. I have a lot written there. I love it. I think it's beautiful.

My room has character. No one else's room will have the same paint splashes, the same pictures on the walls, the same quotes in permanent marker. No one else will have the same stuffed animals I have, the same piggy bank I have, the same mirror I have. No one else will have the same memories I have, the same poems that I have, the same paintings that I have. It's unique. It has character. No one else can ever have this room exactly the way I have it. I love it like this.

My One and Only Vice

So normally for Lent, I give up a myriad of items and activities and come up with a huge list of goals for myself, but this Lent, I just came up with three: 1. Give up diet pepsi. 2. run at least 3 times a week. 3. do something nice for someone every day. Well, the only one I can say I stuck to is giving up diet pepsi. Actually, I got better towards the end of Lent with running, but then I got sick and I just got my wisdom teeth out, so now I've put a hold on my running. And I'm sure I've done one nice thing for someone every day during Lent, even if I wasn't thinking about it while I was doing it. But diet pepsi is my one and only vice and on Sunday I can have it. Well, that is if I can actually eat anything on Sunday because I got my wisdom teeth out yesterday and haven't eaten anything since Wednesday night. Last night was my favorite day of Lent, actually probably of the whole church season, but I didn't go to Mass or visit churches because I was high off the anesthesia and the vicodin... But anyway, hopefully it will all be good soon. Maybe I'll be able to eat something today =] Haha. I don't know if I'll be able to deal with carbonation by Sunday though, which would make me so sad because I LOVE DIET PEPSI. I've had cravings all Lent, but thankfully right now I'm not craving anything... It's really weird not wanting to eat anything... really weird and unusual for me... anyway I've already lost weight from having my wisdom teeth out haha so I guess that's good.

love,
grace

A Beautiful Mess

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something to happen to her
everyday she writes words and more words
just to spit out the thoughts that keep floating inside
and she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
take her, cover her, they are all over
the reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
oh oh oh oh

Far far, there's this little girl
she was praying for something good to happen to her
from time to time there are colors and shapes
dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
they invent her a new world with
oil skies and aquarel rivers
but don't you run away already
please don't go oh oh

How can you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
how an you stay outside?
there's a beautiful mess inside
Take a deep breath and dive
there's a beautiful mess inside
how can you stay outside?

There's a beautiful mess
beautiful mess inside
Oh beautiful, beautiful

Far far there's this little girl
she was praying for something big to happen to her
every night she hears beautiful strange music
it's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
but if it fades she begs"oh lord don't take it from me, don't take it
"She says, "I guess i'll have to give it birth
to give it birth
i guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
i guess i have to, have to give it birth
there's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere
Just look at yourself nowdeep inside
deeper than you ever dared
there's a beautiful mess insidebeautiful mess inside

Far far by Yael Naim

Ahhh!!!

http://www.savethewords.org/

I love it.

He's quite the charmer...

Dick Van Dyke is so neglected. He's so handsome, witty, talented, and he has a classic charm. Ahhhh I love him! Haha I was just watching him as Albert Peterson in Bye Bye, Birdie so that spurred on my need to post his beautiful face on my blog =]

love,
grace

It's all the rage in classrooms...

When I started my Chemistry of Life class this semester, two girls at my table would always be doing Sudokus. One day this girl, Kelli, asked me if I wanted one and I said sure. I didn't know how to play. I knew the number nine was important and that the boxes, rows, and columns all mattered, but I didn't have a clue what I was doing. So I asked my friend Becky and she showed me what to do. I became OBSESSED. After I finished my first game there was no stopping me. Now, I have a little Sudoku pack that I carry with me everywhere I go. And I'm not the only one. At any given time, if I look around my classroom, there will be AT LEAST two other people playing Sudoku. It's addicting. Granted I'm not the best or the fastest Sudoku player. I race against my friend Tom in Chem of Life all the time and he always wins, but I'm getting there. It's so much fun, it's a challenge, and it's better than texting or just plain not paying attention in class because it does have your mind going.

Hilary & Tom

Tom and I are 14 months apart... exactly. My birthday is December 8, 1990, his is February 8, 1992. So, except for the first year and two months of my life, Tommy has always been around.

I guess we're lucky. We get along extremely well. We hug, we hang out, we'll laugh together, make fun of our family and friends, make fun of ourselves, tell each other secrets, keep each other's secrets, dance...

"Someday, you guys are going to be best friends," our parents would always say. I never believed them. But in a way I guess it's true. Tom doesn't know everything, but he knows a lot, and I do consider him to be one of my best friends.

One good thing about having your brother as your best friends is that even if you fight, you know it will be fine. I don't think Tom and I ever apologize to each other anymore. We'll be mad at each other for a little while and then we just know that it's alright and we can move on. We have an understanding. That's a luxury I do not have with my other friends. Often times, I'd much rather move on and forget about it... whether I am on the accepting or the giving side of the apology.


So I'm Tom's only sister. Whenever I tried to find out who he liked he wouldn't tell me. So I guess in my mind, girlwise in Tom's life, it was me and my mom. I guess that's why it was weird for me to see him with his date at Junior Prom this weekend.


I'm not always going to be the girl that Tom comes to for advice. I'm not always going to be the girl that he talks to when he's frustrated, jokes around with, laughs with, fights with. Someday he's going to find another girl to do all that with and I'll just be his big sister. It feels really strange for me, really sad. It feels like the end of an era.

I'm leaving next year, and while I'm worried that it might tear us apart, I can only hope and pray that the physical distance brings us closer together. I am truly blessed to have such a great brother. I always get comments like, "Wow, you and your brother get along so well--I wish I was that close to my brother," or "You guys have a really strange relationship. I don't ever talk to my brother." I think it's sad that siblings don't get along and I'm so glad that I landed in the family I'm in. I don't know where I would be without Tom. He's there for me through thick and thin and he doesn't ever betray me. Well, he might make fun of me in front of my friends, but usually he's pretty good about being nice to me =]

It's gotta be that can't-eat, can't-sleep, reach-for-the-stars, over-the-fence, world-series kind of stuff.

Running...

You know how you don't always know how much something means to you until it's gone? Well, I think that sometimes you don't realize how much you missed something until it is back.

I was on Cross Country for two years and Track & Field for one. [I hated track, I just had to mention that to show how much running had been a part of my life.] Yes, I missed Cross Country this fall--the early Saturday mornings, pasta parties, bagels, Mulan, gatorade... but I didn't realize how much I'd missed actually running until this week.

Saturday I started running again on my own. Then Sunday Amy and I ran together. Amy and I ran together four times this week. Ahhh I love it! I feel so much better now that I have the energy going, the good hormones flowing! We ran to Greektown yesterday and it reminded me of the 2nd run I ever did on one of our XC runs. I remember that day was in the late summer, it was Alec, Coach Morgan, and me, and I was sooo slow and it was sooo hot and I had to go around all the people walking down the streets of Greektown. But I felt so good ABOUT myself, because I was doing something good FOR myself.

Ahhh I'm so glad I'm running again, and I'm so glad I have a running partner!! YAY!!!

Love, Grace

"Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up. It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a lion or a gazelle-when the sun comes up...you''d better be running."

One Flew East, One Flew West...

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

So today I finished Ken Kesey's classic American novel, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. This tells the story of R.P. McMurphy, a sane man in a mental institution in Oregon, through the eyes of one of the patients in his ward. This novel, written from the knowledge that Kesey gained from working the night shift of a mental hospital, is extremely gripping and articulate. McMurphy is a hero, a Christ-figure. I was extremely displeased by the ending of this book, but it was necessary for the book to have any meaning. I could go on and on about how upset I am about the way this book ended, but that would spoil all the details for those who have yet to read it, like my friend Clarence. Anyway, I just wanted to post some of my frustration and admiration on my page.

Love,

Grace

10 Things I Hate About You

The Taming of the Shrew and anything based off it will always hold a place in my heart.

Last year in Brit Lit we read The Taming of the Shrew in class and then watched two movie versions of it. This past fall I was in Kiss Me, Kate, a musical based off this Shakespeare play. Two nights ago, my friend and I watched 10 Things I Hate About You, a film also based on The Taming of the Shrew. Throughout the movie there are numerous Shrew references. This film, starring Heath Ledger and Julia Stiles is now my favorite movie.

I hate the way you talk to me and the way you cut your hair
I hate the way you drive my car, I hate it when you stare.
I hate your big dumb combat boots and the way you read my mind.
I hate you so much it makes me sick-it even makes me rhyme.
I hate the way you're always right, I hate it when you lie.
I hate it when you make me laugh, even more when you make me cry.
I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didn't call.
But most of all I hate the way I don't hate you-not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

Snackers

I'm a snacker.
You probably are too.

Do you have to be eating something all day?
I know so many people who always have to be chomping on something... it just feels better when you have something to do. It's a distraction.

I sometimes eat in the morning.
I eat on the phone.
I eat while walking.
I eat while sitting.
I eat while talking.
I eat dinner.
Sometimes I eat lunch.
But I'm always eating.
I always need something to snack on.

Snackers.

I Know Things Now

Here's a song from my favorite musical-- Into the Woods by Stephen Sondheim
This song is sung by Little Red Riding Hood after she escapes from the wolf.

Eww...

So I just found something that I didn't even think was possible.

I just found a work that I wrote, published online on teenink.com. I had to try to get my work published for my final in Creative Writing. It was my worst piece of the whole semester and I can't believe it was published. That really disgusts me. Eww.

I feel the need to blog...

I don't know what about exactly. I just need to write. It's 4:36 A.M. in Chicago on March 2, 2009. It's Dr. Seuss' birthday. It's my friend's birthday as well. He's 18 today. It's a big day. Today is a year since I got my class ring. Today is also a year since Jonathan and I officially decided to go to Junior Prom together. I'm hungry. I'm going to eat the leftovers from my breakfast yesterday... it was sooo good =] Today my room is cleaner than it was yesterday. Today I'm almost finished with my homework. Today I'm still impressed with something I read yesterday. Today I still have the $20 I made waitressing on Saturday. Today I wish I was a better person, but I know that I am doing well, working towards that goal. Today I know that I am a forgiving person. And I love that about myself. Today I think I'm beautiful, that the world is beautiful, that God is beautiful, and that God made everything beautiful for a reason. Last night, I did what Bing said to do in White Christmas: "When I'm worried, and I can't sleep, I count my blessings instead of sheep, and I fall asleep counting my blessings." I have sooooooooooooo MANY FLIPPING BLESSINGS. THANK YOU GOD.
Love,
Grace

Lenten Goals

There are three things I want to do for Lent. I know it doesn't start until Wednesday, but I just wanted to throw out my goals.
1. I'm giving up Diet Coke. And all pop for that matter, but I only drink Diet Coke anyway.
2. I am going to either run or bike at least two miles three times a week.
3. I am going to be more aware. Aware of what is going on in my life, in the lives of others, in the world. And I am going to go out of my way at least once each day to do something nice for someone else.

Love,
Grace

Forgiveness is beautiful

“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
-Catherine Ponder

“To forgive is the highest, most beautiful form of love. In return, you will receive untold peace and happiness.”
-Robert Muller

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
-Mahatma Gandhi

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.”
-Sara Paddison

"I can forgive, but I cannot forget, is only another way of saying, I will not forgive. Forgiveness ought to be like a cancelled note - torn in two, and burned up, so that it never can be shown against one.”
-Henry Ward Beecher

I am a writer. And I'm back from Kairos. So what am I going to do now? I'm going to do some editing. I need to edit my life.

Kairos

So, tomorrow after school I will be leaving on Kairos, which is a Christian student-lead retreat. There is a lot of mystery behind this retreat... I don't know. My expectations aren't very high, I don't think this retreat will be as "life changing" as it is said to be, but I hope I am wrong. I'm extremely skeptical right now. The only reason I am remotely excited about this retreat is because I get to miss school on Friday. I'm really not in the mood for people to pretend that they're deep, say one thing on retreat, and then act another way once we get back to school. Oh well, we'll see. I have been wanting to go on this retreat since 7th grade when my cousin Kate went on and led Kairos. When I was looking for a high school, I made sure they had this retreat... So I know when I get back I won't be able to share any details-- you know, the naked midnight runs, the no showering for four days, the starvation, all the Kairos cult details-- but hopefully I will have something insightful to say. Pray for me.
Love,
Grace

"Halley's Comet"

"Halley's Comet"
Stanley Kunitz

Miss Murphy in first grade
wrote its name in chalk
across the board and told us
it was roaring down the stormtracks
of the Milky Way at frightful speed
and if it wandered off its course
and smashed into the earth
there'd be no school tomorrow.
A red-bearded preacher from the hills
with a wild look in his eyes
stood in the public square
at the playground's edge
proclaiming he was sent by God
to save every one of us,
even the little children.
"Repent, ye sinners!" he shouted,
waving his hand-lettered sign.
At supper I felt sad to think
that it was probably
the last meal I'd share
with my mother and my sisters;
but I felt excited too
and scarcely touched my plate.
So mother scolded me
and sent me early to my room.
The whole family's asleep
except for me. They never heard me steal
into the stairwell hall and climb
the ladder to the fresh night air.

Look for me, Father, on the roof
of the red brick building
at the foot of Green Street --
that's where we live, you know, on the top floor.
I'm the boy in the white flannel gown
sprawled on this coarse gravel bed
searching the starry sky,
waiting for the world to end.

I was at Marquette for a scholarship test on Saturday. I was testing for English, and I had to analyze this poem. After reading the poem, can anyone say what they think the deeper subject is? I think I answered it correctly on the test, but I want to hear other people's answers.

Love, grace

Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie

If I had to say what comes to mind when I think of winter Sundays...

Mass at St. Mary's, breakfast at PJ Klem's, coming home, Dad making a fire and turning on the polka station, then reading the newspaper while the kids do their homework and Mom does whatever needs to be done.

Lately, I've been asking my dad to polka with me. I sometimes wish I had grown up in a more cultured environment. I wish I could speak Polish and knew more Polish traditions, but at least I know how to Polka.

This is my favorite polka... it's called Apples, Peaches, Pumpkin Pie. I can't find it by my favorite band... Eddie Blazonczyk and the Versatones, but here is the song. I remember on my 16th birthday, when all my friends were over, my dad blasted this song through the house when it was time to come up and have the brownie-cake my mom made for me (because I don't like real cake.) Haha, it was kind of embarrassing, but I'm glad that I have a favorite polka song. It makes me feel more Polish haha.

Jerusalem Cafe

I thought it was necessary to post these pictures from the Jerusalem Cafe side by side.

Love,

Grace

I ADORE my life

Hey, blogger family.
Well, for a few weeks, I had not been up to my usual standard. I was really confused by a lot of things and when one seemingly bad thing happened it just made everything else that I had been holding in-- all my insecurities, uncertainties about the future, and other problems I didn't want to have to deal with-- come out. It was a really weird feeling. It was like nothing was going to get better. I was really messed up. It was scaring my friends and it scared me. I would walk around in a daze and people would ask me what was wrong and I would tell them that nothing was wrong because I knew they didn't really want to know. It worried me because I didn't realize that I looked sad all the time. I mean, I know I wear my emotions on my shoulders, but I didn't know that I looked genuinely upset all the time. It's weird to know that my friends were really worried about me... sometimes things don't seem as real or as big a deal until you see other people's response to them. All I have to say is that when things go south, you find out who your real friends are. You find out who is going to stick with you when you stop acting like yourself and who is going to stand by you not matter what happens. I already knew my girls were there for me, but honestly, I was acting so terribly to them and to everyone else around me that I wouldn't have been surprised if they'd left. It scares me how mean of a person I was for those two weeks. It frightens me that I can let my problems get in the way of my relationships. I've learned from this experience and I hope I've learned how to better control my emotions and my actions.

Moving on to the present. I am filled with glee. I'm sincerely full of bliss. I adore my life, my friends, my family, my activities, my new haircut, my new exercise routine... Things haven't been this good for a long time. I'm liking myself again... I liked myself during the summer, but I stopped for a while... and now I like myself again. I mean, honestly I wouldn't be able to like my friends as much as I do if I didn't like myself.

One of the saddest parts of the last two weeks: my laugh sounded hollow. I forced myself to laugh and even when things were funny, my laugh sounded strangely sad, hollow. It really worried me. I missed my laugh. I missed myself. Yesterday was the first day that my laugh sounded normal again. It was a beautiful, precious sound. Today I went with Andrea and Veronica to see some of my friends in a one act play, and I laughed a lot. Haha, in fact, I was pretty much the main laugher... and it was genuine laughter. After the show the director said, "Thank God Hilary came." Haha, people kept commenting on my laugh. Then my friend Kevin said, "Hilary, you know how there's the phrase 'one man army'? Well, you're like a one woman audience." I didn't really know how to respond to that but he said that was a good thing =] All I know is that I'm extremely glad to be back where I used to be, hopefully more experienced and improved.

Have a wonderful Wednesday.
Love,
Hilary

Music Revival

I remember being at my cousin Kate's house a few years ago, I think it was on New Year's day, and she was burning some CD's for my cousin Em and me. They were talking about how music has gone through a great revival ever since the iPod came out. Ever since, the idea of a music revival has seemed enchanting.

I'm a music person but not as much as one might expect considering my musical background. Honestly I'm lazy and don't have the money to spend on music. I have found most of my favorite artists from the CDs that my friend Tracy makes me. Right now, my favorite artist is Ben Folds. His music is so calming, so relaxing, so sad, but so peaceful. He's always been in my top artists but as of now he is my number one. He is a genius on the piano and I am in love with his music. It's so precious, so from the soul, so deep, so heavy. So beautiful. I just wanted to share him with you... his videos are disabled from embedding, but look him up on youtube or myspace =]

love,

hilary

"Not everyone has a sob story... even if they do it's no excuse."
-Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Revenge is the Saddest Thing

"The ultimate weakness of violence is that it is a descending spiral, begetting the very thing it seek to destroy. Instead of diminishing evil, it multiplies it. Throgh violence you may murder the liar, but you cannot murder the lie, nor establish the truth. Through violence you may murder the hater, but you do not murder hate. In fact, violence merely increases hate. So it goes. Returning violence for violence multiplies violence, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of stars. Darkness cannot drive our darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that."
-Marting Luther King, Jr.

I was sitting in my Statistics class today and I saw this quote up on the wall. I don't know who put it there or when it was tacked up, but it struck me when I read it. I think a lot of times people tend to think as something physical, but it definitely can be something more than that. Violence stems from hatred. And hatred stems form violence. It seems as though it is a neverending circle. But it doesn't have to be. You know the song "Let Peace Begin with Me." I'm sure you do. If everyone just started promoting peace in their personal lives, bigger conflicts could be solved. If people would drop their hatred and their prejudices the world woule be an amazing place.

I'm not saying that it's easy to just go ahead and drop your hatred, but once you do, you feel so much better. When I have hatred in me, it weighs me down. It makes it hard for me to go on with the rest of my life because this nasty feeling inside of me distracts me from anything else. I honestly hate seeing people suffer. When I am upset with someone, I might think violent thoughts or wish bad things upon them, but if anything actually happened to him or her, I would be devastated. I cannot stand seeing others in pain. I'm an extremely empathetic person and it is really difficult for me many times because I see the pain that others are going through and I feel the same pain. I don't understand how people can get pleasure from the misery of others. Hanging onto something for revenge or for punishment just ends up hurting me more in the end.

It's still January. Resolutions can be made now, they can be made at any time of the year. Let go of hatred. Let go of bitterness. Let go of revenge. We have a new year and a new president, and with government funding of abortion we need as much peace as we can get.

I love you.
Hilary

Over In Killarney

An Irish Lullaby
TOO-RA-LOO-RA-LOO-RA

Over in Killarney,
Many years ago,
Me mother sang a song to me
In tones so sweet and low.
Just a simple little ditty,
In her good old Irish way,
And I'd give the world if she could sing
That song to me this day.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Hush, now don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
That's an Irish lullaby.
Oft, in dreams I wander
To my home again,
I feel her arms around me
As when she held me then.
And I hear her voice a humin'
To me in days of yore,
When she used to rock me fast asleep
Outside the cabin door.
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Hush, now don't you cry!
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
Too-ra-loo-ra-li,
Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ral,
That's an Irish lullaby.

This website has the lyrics and the song playing in the background:
http://www.songofdixie.com/over_in_killarney.htm

My mom used to sing this song to me when I was little. She never knew all the words, because that's just how she is =], but I remember her singing it to me. In an extremely Americanized household, I hold dear to myself the traditions and culture I do have from Ireland and Poland.

love,
hilary/grace

The Curse of the Internet

Okay, so I just thought I'd throw this out there that sometimes I hate the fact that anyone can read my blog. Yes, of course I want people to read what I write--that is the reason i blog, after all-- but I hate when I can't post something because of its content. That's the big bad difference between blogging and journaling. It's not even the fact that someone might be reading my blog as much as it is that someone specific might be reading it whose eyes wouldn't even appreciate the time it takes me to write these posts. It's really just that I wish I could modify who can read specific posts and such because sometimes I need to get everything out onto the page but I can't because of this modern inconvenience known as the world wide web.
-grace(hilary)

From Stephen King's On Writing

"One day in late June of that summer, a bunch of us library guys had lunch on the grass behind the university bookstore. Sitting between Paolo Silva and Eddie Marsh was a trim girl with a raucous laugh, red-tinted hair, and the prettiest legs I had ever seen, well-displayed beneath a short yellow skirt. She was carrying a copy of Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver. I hadn't run across her in the library, and I didn't believe a college student could utter such a wonderful, unafraid laugh. Also, heavy reading or no heavy reading, she swore like a millworker instead of a coed. (Having been a millworker, I was qualified to judge.) Her name was Tabitha Spruce. We got married a year and a half later. We're still married, and she has never let me forget that the first time I met her I though she was Eddie Marsh's townie girlfriend. Maybe a book-reading waitress from the local pizza joint on her afternoon off."

This is by no means my favorite passage in his book, seeing as Stephen King is flipping hilarious, but it caught my attention when he mentioned Tabitha's "raucous laugh." My own laugh is... to put it nicely... unique. It's loud and uncontrolled, uncontrollable. It definitely has caused me some embarrassment, but honestly, I love to laugh. It de-stresses me. Laughing and diet coke are my only vices. I have people come up to me in the hallway asking me if I was laughing in class... oopsssssss =] In the end though, I do like my laugh, it makes me who I am and allows me to have fun. It even gives me conversation starters and something to write about. "I love to laugh hahahaha, loud and long and clear! I love to laugh hahahaha, so everybody can hear. The more I laugh hahahaha, the more I'm filled with glee. The more the glee hahahaha, the more I'm a merrier me!" Mary Poppins anyone?

love,
hilary/grace

An Unsung Hero

I'm currently taking a Hero in American Literature course. Today we were discussing how there are many times when people have similar qualities and are both heroes, but one might be a public hero while the other is a local hero. Today, I was checking through the blogs I read and I found a post from a woman named Stephanie. I have been reading her blog since late June/early July when I first started compulsively blogging. I think this post in particular depicts her as a true hero. Stephanie is currently raising two beautiful daughters while her husband, Jim, is in Afghanistan. It's many times the unsung heroes that are the strongest people.
love,
hilary/grace

Marie Antoinette

I have always been fascinated by Marie Antoinette. Last year when I took a course in European history and was able to choose my research topic, I wrote a paper about Marie Antoinette and gave a more balanced view of the controversial queen. Much of my information came from Tea at Trianon. Isn't she gorgeous?

love,
hilary/grace

So Much Love

You got so much love in you
You got so much love in you
I'm amazed that I'm talking to you
You look like the songs that I've heard my whole life coming true
-The Rocket Summer

Uninhibited Hilary

Okay. I realized why I'm so addicted to blogging. I've been on a quest since idontknowwhen. A quest to find myself. Sitting there at the computer, reading my blog, can you honestly say that you know who you are? I keep trying to answer questions. I keep collecting little pieces of myself. I keep trying to learn about myself. I need to know, you know? I'm at my happiest when I understand myself and I understand my life. But sometimes I think I know who I am and then something happens and it tests my trust in myself. I can't ever completely understand myself, let alone the world, but I can put the pieces together. That's where blogging comes in. I write on the computer if I'm doing a longer piece because I hate seeing my shapeshifting handwriting cover the paper. Blogging lets me write about myself, about my views, about my life. My blog is a chronicle of my life since basically June. If you look at my earlier posts I was very hesitant to mention anything about my personal life, and certainly there are still many things I don't mention on my blog, but blogging let's me explore myself.

This morning my friend Katie told me that her mom said, "That Hilary is so uninhibited!" When Katie first told me this I thought it was more of a disapproving statement, as in... "That Hilary is... hmm... how can I put this nicely? Uninhibited." But Katie told me that wasn't it at all. Outgoing. Confident. Extroverted.

I am outgoing, I will say that, but my confident levels waver up and down quite often. In general, I'm a fairly confident person. It often depends on the vibes I get from other people. I'm only outgoing when I'm comfortable. If you came into my creative writing class last semester, you would hear me laughing so loud and talking a lot, being myself, but enter my Hero in Lit class this semester and you wouldn't think I was the same person. I have absolutley no friends in my class. It's all people who took the class as a joke, and while I signed up for journalism, I got thrown in with the mix. Yesterday in class I got really nervous when I had to introduce myself to the class... my hands were all clammy and I was shaky and looked down the whole time. It was not good.

There's no way to define me indefinitely, I understand that. If I were to give a shot at defining myself, I would present my friends. I rely very much on my relationships. I always need to be by people. That's why I never get my homework done =] I constantly need to know that there are people there for me. Without my friends or even acquaintances, I don't know who I am. It's a very rare occasion that I want to be alone. Even when I'm upset I'll usually want to be with my friends. They just make me feel better. Yeah, if I'm crying I'm not going to want a bunch of random people standing around, but I feel so much better when I cry with my friends by my side. With Andrea, Veronica, Amy, or Julija. I can cry and not worry about being judged.

It's probably not so great that I rely on my relationships so much because I can't always be with someone. So yeah, I'll be home, in my room, but I'll be on my laptop, connected to AIM or Facebook, or I'll be talking on the phone. I am extremely dependent on my friends. I think something I need to work on is being alone. Over the summer I have a lot of time to myself, and I am happier during the summer because I understand myself more, but I also get very depressed during the summer because I am not constantly in the midst of life, in the middle of action.

Okay, I am just losing my train of thought now... stress is getting to me. [I've spent a considerable amount of time not talking to anyone, so that's good.] Let me just say, that as this week is going on, it is getting better. It's been busy and stressful, but it's definitely improving. Hopefully tomorrow will be better yet =]

I'll post more when I get my thoughts together.
Love,
Hilary.... Grace

The Sunrise

I hope that today I see the sun rise. I don't think I will because we will be taking the streets to school instead of the expressway, but I hope I see the sun rise. My dad always says that if you see the sun rise, it will be a good day. So I want to see the sun rise.
love,
grace

Hilary Marie

For the last few years, I have been confused about who I am, what I am supposed to do with my life, why I am here. I think I should start right now but just saying my real name. I'll still go by Grace on my blog, but my real name is Hilary. Hilary Marie. Hilary means "cheerful one." That's a start.

Hate Poem--Julie Sheehan

I'm cleaning my room [I keep getting distracted either by the computer or by all the things I find] and I was sorting through everything I got from my Creative Writing teacher. I found a poem that she gave us and that Will sent me last year. Ms. Wagenschutz, my Creative Writing teacher loves this poem. I thought I'd post it, to see what you think of it.

Hate Poem

by Julie Sheehan

I hate you truly. Truly I do.

Everything about me hates everything about you.

The flick of my wrist hates you.

The way I hold my pencil hates you.

The sound made by my tiniest bones were they trapped

in the jaws of a moray eel hates you.

Each corpuscle singing in its capillary hates you.

Look out! Fore! I hate you.

The blue-green jewel of sock lint I'm digging

from under by third toenail, left food, hates you.

The history of this keychain hates you.

My sigh in the background as you explain relational databases

hates you.

The goldfish of my genius hates you.

My aorta hates you. Also my ancestors.

A closed window is both a closed window and an obvious

symbol of how I hate you.

My voice curt as a hairshirt: hate.

My hesitation when you invite me for a drive: hate.

My pleasant "good morning": hate.

You know how when I'm sleepy I nuzzle my head

under your arm? Hate.

The whites of my target-eyes articulate hate. My wit

practices it.

My breasts relaxing in their holster from morning

to night hate you.

Layers of hate, a parfait.

Hours after our latest row, brandishing the sharp glee of hate,

I dissect you cell by cell, so that I might hate each one

individually and at leisure.

My lungs, duplicitous twins, expand with the utter validity

of my hate, which can never have enough of you.

Breathlessly, like two idealists in a broken submarine.

This is from Poetry 180, a poem a day for american high schools. Now, substitute each "hate" with "love."

love, grace

i carry your heart

Last night my friends Carol and Caroline were over and we watched In Her Shoes. At the end of the movie one of the characters recited this poem by e.e. cummings. I don't usually like cummings, but I really liked this poem. Then I was surfing the blogosphere (I realize I sounded like a huge computer nerd there by saying that and I don't care) and I ran across this poem again. I thought there must be a reason that I ran into it twice in two days, so I thought I'd post it.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

e.e. cummings

St. Valentine's Day

I'm going to be out of town on Valentine's Day. St. Valentine's Day.

It wouldn't matter to me, except that I'm not going to see my Valentine for only the 2nd time in the 19 Valentine's Days I have had in my life. February 14, 2008 will be 8 YEARS that my mom is cancer free! {& 8 is my family's lucky number because Mom, Tom, and I were born on the eighth of our respective months.}

It was the end of January. A Sunday after Church. Mom and Dad called Tom and me into the living room. I racked my brain for something that I had done that would have gotten me into trouble... I always do that when a serious conversation comes about. But I hadn't done anything wrong. My mom had cancer. Breast Cancer. I was in 4th grade. And by the time I was in fifth grade I knew more about chemo and radiation than any eleven year old should know. Now, I have stories to tell about my experiences that I will eventually expand on, but the one story I remember the most vividly is this:

My Uncle Dan was taking care of Tom, Chris, and me. Our relatives and friends all helped out whenever my parents needed it. It was June 8th, my mom's birthday [my half birthday as I continuously reminded my mom when I was little.] My mom was having a treatment of chemo. It was a Friday. My mom had her chemo on Thursdays as I recall, but this week it had to be changed. Tommy, Chris, and I were sitting outside of Stella's batting cages, licking our soft serve ice cream that the setting sun was quickly melting. My uncle Dan looked at the sun and said, "The sun always shines on your mom's birthday."

So on February 14, 2001 my mom was having surgery to remove the cancer. She left us notes and candy at our spots at the kitchen table. On February 14, 2009, I will be on Kairos and my mom will be at home. She will be 8 years of Cancer Free. She is my Valentine, now and forever. I love you, Mom.

H.A.M. (pronounced ham)

Well, here is a clue as to what my real name is. H.A.M. = H., Amy, and Michaele(thegirl.) It started out as a day out and turned into an adventurous day out. Cute tidbits about Amy: she ordered a cheese and fig sandwich today at cosi [it was nasty hahahah] and she uses adjectives without nouns... example: What a lame. She's a beautiful. It's a little. Tidbit about Mike: She's named after her mom who was named after the archangel and she wears fake glasses that her friend Brit got her for Christmas. I would just like to inform the world that H.A.M. is the greatest thing since butt rollers.

Love, Grace

My friends are my best accessories...

These girls. Julija, Veronica, and Andrea

These girls are my best friends.
They make fun of me all the time, whether it's about my laugh or my cluelessness or my procrastinating on my finite homework and turning it in two days late when we had all semester to do it... or even the fact that I'm a blogger. Haha, I'm a blogger. HELLO, WORLD! We have our "special places," inside jokes... bitchYYY, butt rollers... like heelys for your pants!, in my life... we burst out into song at random moments and will walk down the hall way singing anything from backstreet boys to phantom of the opera. We spend hours in Jimmy John's and Massa, laughing so loud that it's actually surprising that we don't get kicked out... We're complete idiots but we're actually really intelligent... Absentminded professors? We are dedicated to each other and to our activities and once we commit to something we don't back out. We are people of our word.

I think the best thing about my friends, though, is that even when they are trying to cheer me up, they still make fun of me. The don't just act all sympathetic and not really give a shit... they genuinely care about me... and they know that I love them so much that it helps that they make fun of me. I love my friends. I truly do. I love my friends. They tell me when I'm overreacting, when I'm wrong about people, when I'm right about people, when I'm being a little too crazy. I think the way you really know when you love someone is when you know that you can yell at each other and make fun of each other and go crazy on each other, but at the end of the day, everything is going to be fine. Seriously, I call Andrea "Mom" and she responds to me. We are family. The only other people that I know I can yell at and get away with it are my mom, dad, Tom, and Chris. So I have told guys that I love them, yeah, and it has always been a lie. And I have told other friends of mine that I love them, and well, I love them, but I don't love them unconditionally. Like really, I screamed at Julija in front of the entire choir and we're still friends. And I call Ronica all the time and make fun of her for her height and tease her nonstop, and she even wrote a blog about me. I completely flipped out at Andrea and, well, she let's me refer to her as Mom. I've got some kickass friends.

So, today, I wore my accessories that make me who I am. I wore my earrings and necklace that my aunt Kathy gave me before she passed away when I was in 8th grade, and I wore my friend Amy's tank top, and I wore the matching underwear that I got when I was with Amy and Michaele(thegirl) and I wore the Claudaugh ring that belonged to my grandmother... I had the people I love with me today. My best accessories today though, were those beauties up there... Andrea, Ronica, and Julija up there. They've got my back and I've got theirs. And, yeah, it took me two years to find my friends, but it was worth it, because the happiness I have experienced with them in the past year and half has outweighed by far the struggle I had during the first to years of high school. So here's to the girls, not aphrodite and persephone ( ) but my girls, Mom, Bee, and Julija. It's cliche, but I would fall up staircases without having anyone to laugh at me without you.

Love,
Grace

P.S. Friends are like bras: close to the heart and always there for support.
P.P.S. I would rather have you guys than wear a bra. =]

From Write on Wednesday

What’s your favourite genre of writing? Creative Nonfiction
How often do you get writer’s block? Whenever I have an assignment due =]
How do you fix it? I just write anything I can think of, try to get into a good mood so that I can get my creative juices going
Do you type or write by hand? I type because my handwriting changes every two seconds and I can't stand it...
Do you save everything you write? No, I should, but some of it is soooo bad
Do you ever go back to an old idea long after you abandoned it? Yessir =]
Do you have a constructive critic? Not officially, but my Creative Writing teacher and my friends give me good feedback
Did you ever write a novel? haha, it's only one of my greatest aspirations
What genre would you love to write but haven’t? I would love to BE GOOD at writing ficion
What’s one genre you have never written, and probably never will? I hate poetry. I've written it, but I hate it. Ugh Poetry. Die.
How many writing projects are you working on right now? Currently I'm being extremely lazyy... I have a lot of unfinished projects
Do you write for a living? Do you want to? I do not write for a living but someday I hope to
Have you ever written something for a magazine or newspaper? I've submitted something... it was a really poorly written piece with a very poorly chosen subject
Have you ever won an award for your writing? no
What are your five favourite words? precious... oh man, i can't think right now...
Do you ever write based on your dreams? No
Do you favour happy endings, sad endings, or cliff-hangers? Mmm... not cliffhangers... I try to change it up between happy and sad endings... not everything is happy in life, but not everything is completely depressing
Have you ever written based on an artwork you’ve seen? No

Answering a question...

Last week, I was talking to my friend’s cousin. And he asked me why I act. Why do I act? I guess I could make it sound important, like I feel it’s my calling or whatever, but really I act because of the high I get at the end of the show, the desire to feel like I’ve accomplished something, and a terrible need to be loved. People clapping, the attention on you, singing your heart out, perfecting what seemed impossible… I know that during the rehearsal process I can act like a total bitch [again, I’m sorry for the language] but at the end, the struggle was worth it. You can’t appreciate something unless you know what its opposite is. The frustration is all worth it when you walk onstage for the first time and feel the warmth, maybe the wonder or skepticism of the audience. If you know the people are expecting a stellar presentation, than you give it to them, and if they are looking forward to a disaster onstage, you disappoint them with the best performance you’ve ever given. Because in the end, it isn’t really about the audience. Not for me anyway. I don’t act out of the goodness of my heart or because of the joy I get from knowing that I entertained someone for the evening. I have other ways of brightening people’s lives. I act out of complete selfishness. I act for myself, because the audience brings me joy. They help me perform to my best ability. They make me feel like I’m worth it.

The acting high? Very similar to the running high. I only get it after musicals though, not straight plays. I feel infinite. I can keep going forever, because the energy of the cast, the enthusiasm of the audience… it can keep me alive longer than imaginable. After the opening performance of Kiss Me, Kate, I was a little, well more than a little, unsettled to hear that someone in the audience had referred to me as a “f---ing slut.” But you know what? That was exactly what I was supposed to be. I am not a slut in any meaning of the word, but Lois Lane? Yeah, she’s as slutty as they come. So every night, I tried to become Lois more and more. I was actually thinking about it earlier today, and I wish I could have had more time to find my character. I really can never find my character until I have a costume. A men’s pajama shirt and three inch heels? I can find Lois for you. A blue jumper and a white ribbon? Belle can be found there somewhere. I can do it. I promise you. It takes some time and direction, but I am an actress. And the feeling of knowing that I’ve accomplished it, that people enjoyed watching me, and that at least the character I played is worth watching even if my day-to-day self isn’t… that’s what keeps me going. It’s weird, but sometimes when I’m onstage, playing someone completely different from myself, I’m more myself than I am on a daily basis. Because I’m doing what I love. So Pat, that’s why I act.

Love,
Grace

I sometimes have a hard time watching movies... well, I just get distracted very easily from anything I'm doing. So the first time I saw Rent, I was less than thrilled with it. I just rewatched it last night. Wow.

There's only us. There's
only this. Forget regret, or life is yours to miss.

I find this trailer so moving.

Resolutions...

New year's resolutions? Ehh, not really, just a bunch of things that I've been wanting to do. I don't know if I can accomplish them all in one year... I just want to do them... at some point... maybe soon. Whenver I decide to take on one thing I always think I can do better. And I can do better... somewhere along the way I just lost the willpower. So here's to 2009 and all the good and bad it will bring. Here's to the new people I will meet, and the old people I can continue to cherish.

· Write more letters
· Be trustworthy
· Be honest
· Don’t be afraid to say what I think
· Show people when I love them
· Forgive.
· Practice for voice lessons
· Learn piano
· Start running again.
· Lose the 23 pounds I gained in 2008
· Find time for myself. For reading. For writing. For taking bubble baths and pampering myself.
· Find who I am and what I believe.
· Find the line between having fun and being obnoxious.
· Not to be a bitch. [Sorry for the language.]
· Be healthy.
· Save money.
· Stop swearing.
· Be confident.
· Get organized.
· Stop being scared.
· See the movies I’ve wanted to see.
· Get off the damn computer.
· Start walking.
· Go on the swings at the park once a week.
· Catch up with people.
· Make friends at college.
· Make this summer count.
· Get scholarships.
· Find somewhere I love to work.
· Take yoga classes
· Stop being lazy.
· Take up photography.
· Learn to sew.
· Find who I can trust.
· Make communication more personal.
· Find a new subject to study.
· Learn to dance.
· Eat what I want. But don’t overeat.
· Learn how to cook something other than pasta, eggs, and French toast =]
· Do what I want. No regrets.
Love,
Grace