Answering a question...

Last week, I was talking to my friend’s cousin. And he asked me why I act. Why do I act? I guess I could make it sound important, like I feel it’s my calling or whatever, but really I act because of the high I get at the end of the show, the desire to feel like I’ve accomplished something, and a terrible need to be loved. People clapping, the attention on you, singing your heart out, perfecting what seemed impossible… I know that during the rehearsal process I can act like a total bitch [again, I’m sorry for the language] but at the end, the struggle was worth it. You can’t appreciate something unless you know what its opposite is. The frustration is all worth it when you walk onstage for the first time and feel the warmth, maybe the wonder or skepticism of the audience. If you know the people are expecting a stellar presentation, than you give it to them, and if they are looking forward to a disaster onstage, you disappoint them with the best performance you’ve ever given. Because in the end, it isn’t really about the audience. Not for me anyway. I don’t act out of the goodness of my heart or because of the joy I get from knowing that I entertained someone for the evening. I have other ways of brightening people’s lives. I act out of complete selfishness. I act for myself, because the audience brings me joy. They help me perform to my best ability. They make me feel like I’m worth it.

The acting high? Very similar to the running high. I only get it after musicals though, not straight plays. I feel infinite. I can keep going forever, because the energy of the cast, the enthusiasm of the audience… it can keep me alive longer than imaginable. After the opening performance of Kiss Me, Kate, I was a little, well more than a little, unsettled to hear that someone in the audience had referred to me as a “f---ing slut.” But you know what? That was exactly what I was supposed to be. I am not a slut in any meaning of the word, but Lois Lane? Yeah, she’s as slutty as they come. So every night, I tried to become Lois more and more. I was actually thinking about it earlier today, and I wish I could have had more time to find my character. I really can never find my character until I have a costume. A men’s pajama shirt and three inch heels? I can find Lois for you. A blue jumper and a white ribbon? Belle can be found there somewhere. I can do it. I promise you. It takes some time and direction, but I am an actress. And the feeling of knowing that I’ve accomplished it, that people enjoyed watching me, and that at least the character I played is worth watching even if my day-to-day self isn’t… that’s what keeps me going. It’s weird, but sometimes when I’m onstage, playing someone completely different from myself, I’m more myself than I am on a daily basis. Because I’m doing what I love. So Pat, that’s why I act.

Love,
Grace