Uninhibited Hilary

Okay. I realized why I'm so addicted to blogging. I've been on a quest since idontknowwhen. A quest to find myself. Sitting there at the computer, reading my blog, can you honestly say that you know who you are? I keep trying to answer questions. I keep collecting little pieces of myself. I keep trying to learn about myself. I need to know, you know? I'm at my happiest when I understand myself and I understand my life. But sometimes I think I know who I am and then something happens and it tests my trust in myself. I can't ever completely understand myself, let alone the world, but I can put the pieces together. That's where blogging comes in. I write on the computer if I'm doing a longer piece because I hate seeing my shapeshifting handwriting cover the paper. Blogging lets me write about myself, about my views, about my life. My blog is a chronicle of my life since basically June. If you look at my earlier posts I was very hesitant to mention anything about my personal life, and certainly there are still many things I don't mention on my blog, but blogging let's me explore myself.

This morning my friend Katie told me that her mom said, "That Hilary is so uninhibited!" When Katie first told me this I thought it was more of a disapproving statement, as in... "That Hilary is... hmm... how can I put this nicely? Uninhibited." But Katie told me that wasn't it at all. Outgoing. Confident. Extroverted.

I am outgoing, I will say that, but my confident levels waver up and down quite often. In general, I'm a fairly confident person. It often depends on the vibes I get from other people. I'm only outgoing when I'm comfortable. If you came into my creative writing class last semester, you would hear me laughing so loud and talking a lot, being myself, but enter my Hero in Lit class this semester and you wouldn't think I was the same person. I have absolutley no friends in my class. It's all people who took the class as a joke, and while I signed up for journalism, I got thrown in with the mix. Yesterday in class I got really nervous when I had to introduce myself to the class... my hands were all clammy and I was shaky and looked down the whole time. It was not good.

There's no way to define me indefinitely, I understand that. If I were to give a shot at defining myself, I would present my friends. I rely very much on my relationships. I always need to be by people. That's why I never get my homework done =] I constantly need to know that there are people there for me. Without my friends or even acquaintances, I don't know who I am. It's a very rare occasion that I want to be alone. Even when I'm upset I'll usually want to be with my friends. They just make me feel better. Yeah, if I'm crying I'm not going to want a bunch of random people standing around, but I feel so much better when I cry with my friends by my side. With Andrea, Veronica, Amy, or Julija. I can cry and not worry about being judged.

It's probably not so great that I rely on my relationships so much because I can't always be with someone. So yeah, I'll be home, in my room, but I'll be on my laptop, connected to AIM or Facebook, or I'll be talking on the phone. I am extremely dependent on my friends. I think something I need to work on is being alone. Over the summer I have a lot of time to myself, and I am happier during the summer because I understand myself more, but I also get very depressed during the summer because I am not constantly in the midst of life, in the middle of action.

Okay, I am just losing my train of thought now... stress is getting to me. [I've spent a considerable amount of time not talking to anyone, so that's good.] Let me just say, that as this week is going on, it is getting better. It's been busy and stressful, but it's definitely improving. Hopefully tomorrow will be better yet =]

I'll post more when I get my thoughts together.
Love,
Hilary.... Grace